I am not a Victim but a Volunteer...

It is true - I am not a victim but a Volunteer.

Yes, No one is to be blamed. It is all my fault. I’m going to say it. I am at fault because I picked him myself.

Rather than  a victim, I've been a volunteer.

My 20′s and 30′s were spent having friendship with wonderful men that I remain friends with some, to this day, yet I had a terrible relationship.  I realize now that a traumatic event altered my self-esteem and that is when I stopped listening to my inner knowing.

Since that time, I’ve come to the very clear conclusion that I as a woman picked bad men because I didn’t validate my own knowing.

It is true I appeared to be bold, strong, tom-boyish but psychologically I had been weak, scared, unheard, called names; which made me stammer.

By validate, I mean listen to that inner voice that “knows” something isn’t right.  I grew up in a tumultuous childhood I was unheard and invalidated.  I grew up wanting that validation from the world around me and because I never experienced it in my past, I never developed the self-validation reflex.

What does this mean? It means I am vulnerable to men that lay it on thick in the beginning.  I let myself be put on a pedestal and lavished with false love. This false love may feel validating, but it’s truly not.

I ignored the signs of trouble because I am enjoying someone outside of myself lavishing me with courtship and romance.  I don’t authenticate the inner knowing of “uh oh something’s wrong here”, and  instead continued to look for validation that I am okay by forcing an unhealthy relationship to work.

When things went wrong and it blew up in my face, I still continued to plough ahead and “make things work”.  Trying over and over to fix it, make it work, figure it out?   Sure relationships are hard and communication is tricky, all good things require some degree of work; but a dysfunctional relationship has big warning signs early on.

If I had been a woman that grew up being legitimized and trusting her own guidance, I would have run when true dysfunction arose.

On the flip side, I had been a woman that grew up in a difficult childhood,  I tried to make it work at all costs and continued to seek validation outside of myself from my partner. The good times were  so good that they fed that empty space inside of me and I ignored the warnings in my belly. 

Lack of personal validation cause women to justify their partner’s poor behaviors, while healthy self-validation skills acknowledge the concerns.

When a woman trusts herself and truly provides her own validation, she stops making poor choices.  She trusts her inner knowing and stops picking bad men for relationship.

When a woman recognizes that the highs of early romance are feeding that empty part inside that wants to be validated and finally stop ignoring the telling signs of dysfunction, she can start to choose healthy partners.

It’s time we realize that we've not been victims, we've been volunteers.

Today, I mother a girl and I in no way want her to have a dysfunctional childhood. I want her to be strong enough and strive to provide her a ground to trust herself and will support her in every way I should be, in every way I should have wanted my childhood to be.

I Love You

I am tired. I am fed up.

I am a person who has been through ups and downs of life and have taken lot of wrong turns till now.

I am broken, full of holes and worries, fears and needs.

I long for the magician who can transform me in to the woman with no needs. Till then I will remain the woman that causes you pain by being hurt myself.

My wounds drag you down and destroy your peace. And I never would want that. I do not do all this intentionally. I simply find it unbearable to hide the parts of me you would rather not like to see.

A better woman perhaps could release her needs to nurture yours. But I am yet to become that woman.

From the outside, I may look like any other woman but inside my  mind and heart is totally different.

I still don’t understand my fate, but I do understand my needs as a woman and mother.

I have been lonely for a very long time. I never had the opportunity to share my thoughts or feelings with anyone for years. Though I have plenty of friends. Friends who hardly bother in reality. Every moment I pull their strings, build bridges to connect, still have my hands empty.

In you I found something that attracted me towards you. I just fell for you. In you I could see what I longed for, a real, true, beautiful soul. You too needed love. Your eyes seemed to me like a person finding for some peace, some love and the want for being loved. I wanted to give you all that you longed for.

We had experienced some of the same things in life, and I instantly admired your attitude and perspective.

Sometimes when with you I feel a sense of inner conflict. One the one hand, I wanted to live up to everything I imagined you expected of me.

But I also want to be free, to just be me, in whatever state, without worrying about how I’m perceived. I have always tried to learn how to show up in front of others as they liked. But with you I left that learning and without any fear - whether or not you will accept me as I am. Talking to you, being with you I found myself more and more comfortable, and relieved that after so much time, I had finally been able to relax myself in your company. I had dared to speak to myself what I wanted without being scared.

We talked about everything – family, jobs, life, people, almost everything. And I realised I too can still be loved, though not sure.

I had always wanted to connect to someone, but every time the fear or something or the other had some in between. Sometimes my thoughts, behaviour, likes, dislikes, attitude, humour,….so many of them made it to terminate before it even began.

I am scared with you too. What if you are not serious? What if I mean nothing to you? What if I am a burden on you? Hundreds of them……. the fear of people judging me and don’t know why I felt that these judgments may be true, am I fit for you, will I be able to live up to your expectations, will I be able to make you happy, will I be happy with you?

Then I dissected my feelings and accepted me to be weak, very weak when it came to emotions, relationships, rejections.

I wanted you to give me your time and attention. I wanted you to listen to my talk about my day, what my kids did, the good parts, the bad parts. Just by listening, you built trust and intimacy and love. I knew the limitations, I know it all, but still plunged into this relationship, not sure whether you felt the same for me or not. Just wanted to live the moments of being in love.

At first, I reminded myself that I was not the same person I used to be before. I had come a long way and I should be proud of it.

But then I stopped myself and questioned my well-intentioned internal monologue. Was this really what I needed to hear—that I was so much better today than what I used to be?

Maybe what I really needed to hear was, “You are the same person—because the person you were before was beautiful and worthy of love, just as you are now. She was just at a different part of the journey.”

Fate controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

I may have made poor choices before and I may have struggled more than I do now, but I was doing the best I could, based on where I was at that time. This was no reason to be ashamed of where I’d been.

My loneliest moments over the past few years have been at home. Though it is a blessing to sit with my children, but there is a deep ache inside. There are few things I cannot talk to or share with my children. I sit down with an empty space across me and on either side of me, joy—bouncing legs, noisy talks, smiles, energetic darlings yearning to tell me about their days and I listen, but there is something missing…..missing badly.

Someone who’s there to listen, contribute to the conversation, and ask the questions I forget to ask, who asks me, “How was your day?” or just touches, holds my hand, listens what I have to say, comforts me, laughs and makes me laugh too.

As a mother, I feel forgotten, a lot. I listen and listen, but who is there to listen to me? Who is there to know how I feel within? Who is there to ask what the matter is? I know the needs of every child just by looking into their eyes. Who is there to know and understand what I need? No one.

It is a simple action—to be silent and give attention to the object of your affection. It  means more than any words could ever express. Where is that silence? Where is that attention?

After the day is over and I tended to everyone else’s needs, I too want to express my sensual side and be passionate.  It is important for me to feed my needs, even if they are primal.

I am different to you. But I wish I were not. I pray so often to be transformed in to the woman I know you wish I were. Till I manage to hold that mask which is loved by all, I am loved. And now I am tired. I have fought and battled and struggled with myself to be only the parts of me you love. But the ugly parts live on. The needy parts, the lonely parts, the jealous parts and the part that wants to interact with your sexual side as much as your intellectual side. They live and breathe and cause you pain. I can feel the pain you have to bear because of me.

Can you understand that I am not asking you to change? I accept you just as you are and long for the day when I can change to meet you there. The day that I can be the woman I can see you need. Perhaps that day will come.

What a beautiful story we could be. Me standing faithfully by your side, dedicated to you and wanting nothing but your company. Patiently waiting for you to find your way, knowing you would find your way back to me.

But I am a weaker woman than I appear. I cannot lie about my want for you, my need for you and my selfish and total dependence on you.

Please rejoice in the fact that I saw you and I felt you and that I agree with you.

Your way is better. It is more beautiful, more pure and perfectly lovely.

This isn’t goodbye. This is surrender. God knows I’ve tried to change but I am no longer willing to be the blockade to your happiness.

You are so beautiful and so wonderful and everything I ever dreamed of. Be that still and always. And perhaps we will make love in our dreams.

I love you. And that is why I must let you go. Enjoy your life. Be happy. I cannot chain you.

I will always love you.

Conversation with ME!

People are like oceans. Some parts are visible. But, most of us  can’t see shallow pools of truth and deep pools of dark mysteries..... !!!

When we try to get into these oceans, waves, tides or time, we get lost completely. We lose ourselves in the process.

I wonder at these things, how they change and still hold their head high as if not aware of the difference they make to some. Any change is not easy. It brings along lots of storms with it. Change is one of the hardest thing as it means leaving the perceived safety and comfort zone. It takes lots of courage and risk to change. And if change is ignored stagnancy builds, followed by the restlessness.

There lies ahead of us - the road less travelled and the road mostly travelled. What if the future is uncertain, what if you are not at all trusted, what if you are not at all thought of?

At times we know we are completely honest with ourselves and set fear aside, we want to and we need to take the chance because this is how we will continue to grow. Even if the future is uncertain, it still moves us closer to our own authenticity, to the real self and that alone is worth the risk of moving into the unknown.  

As my thoughts come and go, both from my mind and heart, I sit quietly and observe what they have to say. I notice the thoughts that are strong and forceful, try to convince me that life is a certain defined path and often the thoughts generated by the mind need to be controlled. And then in amongst all of mind's thoughts, I quietly hear my heart speak and its message is sweet and so peaceful as it calls me to it, raising a deep desire to hear more of its gentle message. And I see myself being attracted towards it.

I keep looking; keep trying to work out the HOW. I keep looking for another way of to move past the obstacles, just so I can make it work. But then I realise it doesn't matter how hard I try, how hard I push because if I keep approaching the problem from the same perspective, nothing will change. Change the perception. STOP.

It's at this point I understand that messages from heart are always infused with love, with a gentleness that supports me, supports those around me and so consciously I choose these thoughts to fill my mind and with which to walk on this earth. And as I do this, I notice a deep peace washing over me and the knowledge that this is authentically me.  

Softly my heart speaks of love and gratitude, of miracles that occur every day. It says, there are some moments when you are not fully you; and just sometimes you are just you. So with gentle whispers, my heart continues to encourage me, to simply just be..ME!

I gently bow my head in reflection and acknowledge all that I've been given or has been taken away and all that I have taken and given away; the lessons in life given or taken have led me to a deeper understanding of my Self, bringing awareness to who I am and what I have to share and what I can share.

This journey has been rich with variations, with many joys and sadness. Every sadness has been a gift as it always has brought light to the deepest corners of my heart, showing me the depth of love that is there to own, to share, to give, to love, to care.

I have shed so many tears and felt the despair, and all this is natural. As it has been the part of the process of letting go off the sadness and tension. And by letting them go, it created space for my heart to receive the unknown gifts. Gifts of owning, gifts of sharing, gifts of giving, gifts of caring, gifts of loving…and many more. I have been blessed with some real angels in my life. Though they have been very human but always had an angelic touch. But I ask myself will I shed more tears? And I answer it back….Yes I will. And that too will be okay, because in doing this I continue to let go of the emotion that’s been held inside. The emotion that has been pulling me down. The emotion that has been helping me to come out of every situation. The more the emotion comes out the more the potency of the devilish darkness becomes less. These powers have never been able to overpower me. Blessed.

Then a thought flashes - being a woman of strength all through and inspired by the Sidney Sheldon ladies, why am I so weak today……

I was judged even before I was known…………..

I'm starting to think that I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I bring on problems for myself, then act like a victim. 

Today I realize that I am my own problem. The wisdom says - a person must look inward if they hope to master life at large. The wonderful thing is that just as I am my own problem, I can also be my own solution.  The world around us reflects the world within, so instead of trying to operate on the outside world of effects (conditions, circumstances, events, people…), I have to get into the rhythm of working on the inside world of causes (intentions, beliefs, attitude…).  

I just feel so paranoid all the time. And it's not like I mean to do this - it's just for a second it's like anger gets a hold of me, then drops me again. 

I have found a solution, but I know I'm going to find it very hard. This is my solution: what I will do is try hard not to let anger lose my cool. I will go out and try my hardest not to show everyone how irritated I am, whatever happens. I will stay as relaxed as I am at home, and will keep a positive attitude towards people instead of showing them negative attitudes. And if I manage to keep this up, I might be able to beat the anger/irritation forever. It might stop it from getting the better of me. 

I go to bed every night wishing I would wake up with some disease and only have a few months to live. Or that I would die on the way to work in a car or have a massive heart attack. That would show them, wouldn’t it. But then a thought flashes - Would anyone really care if I was gone? What will happen to those who don’t even know what having no one to care means?

I walk around feeling empty inside and nobody notices. Why can’t anyone see how sad I am? Can’t anyone see how much pain I am in? Can’t anyone see me struggling to stay alive? I hate myself even more for having these thoughts. How weak is that? Why can't I be strong and get over it? I ask myself if this is a cruel joke God is playing on me? Is this payback for all the bad I have done in my life? Why am I here? I am so pathetic and such a loser.

I don’t want the world to see the real me as I think they will not understand. My lifetime came from a struggle all that I have seen is what I follow…..I was judged even before I was known…………..

Till Death Do Us Part !!!!

Many a times when I see elderly couple holding hands while walking, wiping one another’s mouth with a small tissue and keeping their heads together for support, it brings tears to my eyes and I really wonder, will this dream of mine ever come true, will I ever be able to be in such scene. This is absolute love. The purest form of love with no other desires. A love that has no end and a love that does not base itself off of circumstances. This is the love should be. This is the dream each one of us dream of. But, too often we jump into a relationship based on our instant feelings, instead of waiting to see who that person truly is. We are just blinded and when the time shows the real face of the person, and we are no longer capable of doing anything (that is what we presume) for the dream which we once had.

Being “in love” and “loving” someone are two separate things. We tend to fall in love too quickly. We believe we are in love, and we actually love the person’s initial personality, appearance, behaviour(which is at the best initially) and the areas of their life which match those written in our imaginary “want” list. This list is our made, influenced by our environment, dreams and future securities. Another term for falling in love is lust. Lust is not always sexual. It is most of the time sexual for men. But for women, it means companionship, thoughtfulness and security. And when a woman see these things in a man, she falls in love with him. Falling in love is the best thing that can happen to a person, but the same falling in love can have negative consequences if we jump in too quickly. We all have experienced the person for whom we have fallen in love, remains no longer the same after some time. And the truth is even we do not remain the same. We are more matured, identify what we really want in our life and understand the meaning of being in love. So it is always better to be in love and move on than falling in love and never be able to get up again.  

True love is built over time. It does not happen overnight or even in couple of months. Love grows with time and by overcoming the obstacles. And if does not happen so, it is best to understand that there is no love. So most of us can know whether there is love or no love between us within couple of years.so there is no question in my mind now, that the couple I had seen once, would not have faced challenges, would not have been through tough times. But what keeps them together is that they fought the battles together, as a team. Ideally marriage should last a lifetime, so we should choose our partner well and allow time to prove who they truly are, only then a marriage can last. A close relationship, no matter how hard the times may be, can never be moved. No third person can intrude into the relationship if the relationship is strong, if both are in love. But if they struggle to be in relationship just for the sake of it, it is better to come out of the relationship and breathe some fresh air and move on.

Now it is very obvious that the elderly couple who touched me were more than lovers. They were friends. Looks will fade, trials will come but a genuine friendship  will carry the love to the end.

Let me live, please!

People often prefer to believe that it’s possible to hide pieces of ourselves that we don’t want people to see. And the fact is what we want to hide from others is something that we fear to face ourselves. The less we face these parts of ourselves, the more they hurt us. Learning about ourselves and facing all the facts of ourselves, especially those that we strive not to see, is the key to integration with ourselves, as well as connecting with other people. The less fluidity within ourselves to go in and out of our emotional spaces, the more likely ruptures will be caused in our relationships when blocked avenues explode. 

Facing ourselves and integrating with ourselves will open the door to more connection, comfortable exchanges, and less anxiety in all types of relationships. Social anxiety generally stems from the fear of being seen by others — the fear that our masks won’t cover the component we wish not to be seen. If we can get to know these parts of ourselves we wish to hide, rather than fighting to disown them, it can liberate us. In the end, people see us. We’re only hiding from ourselves.

For many knowing our dreams, our destination remains a mere wish…..the dream seems to be a long run dream, but I really want to be carefree, away from the world’s grudges. But does it mean I want to escape. Escapism is the word, the word which means to be carefree. I just want to run away, run away from the choices, choices I made, choices I had to make, choices I make every day. Why can’t God give some signs, He did not even when He was asked for them. Why does He enjoy all this, have fun with the choices the people make. I just want to run away from the judgements and endless suggestions of the people. There are always choices around, but why do we not see them when we should. Why do they become visible very late? And trust me choices once ignored or missed haunt us forever.

Oh God! Why can’t they live and let others live too. Give space and take space. Let the person be human. I am not a machine which needs instruction manuals, just let me be human. I want to run from the shackles of do’s and don’ts, and guess you have no say in deciding do’s and don’ts. I want to run away from this artificial and nonsense formality which really has no meaning. I want to run away from unwanted actions forced upon me, often it is said – you will get this if you do this. Always incentive based on emotional atyachaar.

I just want to be me, just me, the real me. I am tired of faking and pretending. Please let me be me. I want to sort myself. I just feel like cleaning the whole wardrobe. Emptying everything and putting back the things I want, piece by piece, as I want. I just want to fly free. But do not want to fly too high as I do not want to miss the weight of my cute responsibilities on my wings. I know it takes lot of courage to speak my mind, to speak my heart. I just want to live this precious life before I am disowned by this life. Live some moments of my life as I want them to.

I can no longer ignore the problem. The wrong choice once made needs to be corrected, it can be corrected. And if it cannot be corrected then I am not alive, I am not living. I am just passing through a life with a dead soul and alive body. Something is missing, that love for life is missing. But I am trying to be very optimistic. I knowt hings will change and they will change for better….hopefully….someday…. J

LOVE…

We all are in search of that right person, with whom we can connect, with whom we can share every good or bad thought without any sort of fear and insecurity. The one who values emotions, the one who values music, the one who values he feelings. The one who sees beauty in every small thing around. The one who is not superficial, but is deep, who values life. Some don’t waste even a second to say as soon someone opens up to talk. They simply mean shut-up. Someone who is without any mask and no pretensions. And we too are the same, with no pretense, we can do or speak anything we like to, no fear, no barrier. Sometimes we all can be selfish, impatient, insecure, well make mistakes, are out of control at times. So what, we are so much human. If we are not so, then we are not at all human and if we seek someone without all these, we are seeking someone inhuman. Simple. Be human. Love human.

Every day comes with a new promise. The season is changing and this changing time itself has its own significance. Mostly people think about the season which we were in or what kind of weather we will have in the near future and miss the current day which is as beautiful like any other day. Each day has a tale to tell of its own kind. It can never be replicated.  It is said happiness is in mind, but is it?.... is it not connected to our hearts. It is like the music. Music, most of us love. We love it when we are happy and we love it when we are sad. Though the music may differ with our moods. But it is music, whether jolly or melancholy. I feel music connects you very easily. It is the best means to build bridges. It is fun to listen to music together. Another important thing that humans do…they love music.

Well a famous saying says – “ Love is blind” What does this mean? People who are in love keep optometrists in business?


No. When you love someone you can't see them. That's what it means. They exist but you physically lose the ability to visually perceive their presence. It's kind of unnerving at first but you get used to it over time. When we meet at first  we can see the person clearly but slowly they begin to fade the more we get to know them. And when we love them limitlessly the person becomes completely invisible. Be it flaws or goodness, it hardly matters, the person is accepted as a complete package. One change in any of the specifications, will change the model all together. We no longer miss them they become an integral part of us. This is what it means – Love is Blind.

Next question - WHY love makes us blind? Because we care so much about the other person that we spend all our time and energy focusing on making ourselves better, more worthy, for the person that we don't have time (or the inclination) to see their flaws. This is required from both the persons with equal force.