I'm starting to think that I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I bring on problems for myself, then act like a victim.
Today I realize that I am my own problem. The wisdom says - a person must look inward if they hope to master life at large. The wonderful thing is that just as I am my own problem, I can also be my own solution. The world around us reflects the world within, so instead of trying to operate on the outside world of effects (conditions, circumstances, events, people…), I have to get into the rhythm of working on the inside world of causes (intentions, beliefs, attitude…).
I just feel so paranoid all the time. And it's not like I mean to do this - it's just for a second it's like anger gets a hold of me, then drops me again.
I have found a solution, but I know I'm going to find it very hard. This is my solution: what I will do is try hard not to let anger lose my cool. I will go out and try my hardest not to show everyone how irritated I am, whatever happens. I will stay as relaxed as I am at home, and will keep a positive attitude towards people instead of showing them negative attitudes. And if I manage to keep this up, I might be able to beat the anger/irritation forever. It might stop it from getting the better of me.
I go to bed every night wishing I would wake up with some disease and only have a few months to live. Or that I would die on the way to work in a car or have a massive heart attack. That would show them, wouldn’t it. But then a thought flashes - Would anyone really care if I was gone? What will happen to those who don’t even know what having no one to care means?
I walk around feeling empty inside and nobody notices. Why can’t anyone see how sad I am? Can’t anyone see how much pain I am in? Can’t anyone see me struggling to stay alive? I hate myself even more for having these thoughts. How weak is that? Why can't I be strong and get over it? I ask myself if this is a cruel joke God is playing on me? Is this payback for all the bad I have done in my life? Why am I here? I am so pathetic and such a loser.
I don’t want the world to see the real me as I think they will not understand. My lifetime came from a struggle all that I have seen is what I follow…..I was judged even before I was known…………..
