In love or loving someone…..

As people, we love to love, and yet we often do not understand what that really means.

The greatest thing is to ever learn just to love and be loved in return

Being “in love” is a feeling without the benefit of experience.

On the other hand, to love and be loved in return is all about the experience between you and that special person. They are the most special person in the world, and they light your fire. When you get into an argument, all you want to do is have that honest conversation, kiss and make-up.

You know things about this person that few people do, and you dare not share them because you understand why you’re one of the chosen few that gets them. You say things and do things on a constant basis because you think about them all the time, and you do not want what you have to end. This is love.

Love is not a feeling but instead a consistent display of actions, followed by words and experiences that two people share with each other.

They will make plans with confidence that things will go great without realizing that there is no basis for having said confidence. They have not shared enough experiences, enough heartache, enough personal reflection or time to truly know whether their feelings for that person go beyond surface attraction.

So while it may be romantic to think about love at first sight, you should think about the difference between being “in love” and loving someone and being loved in return.

Investigate your head and your heart when you find yourself gaga for someone you’ve just met. We often make decisions based on how we feel, but it is only when we feel, say and do with experience behind us that we can truly love someone.

Think about it.....

The mistakes that took years from my life, and the life from my years.....

She is stupid. She feels she is always right. She is jealous of all. She is always like this. She has never been true. She has betrayed. She is a bad person. Even, she is a characterless woman.

Are these statements really true? Have I been always stupid? Have I been always been jealous? Have I always been a bad person? Have I always been characterless? Do I not have any qualities of a good person? Have I never done any good to anyone?

I was never helped to get over it. It actually has murdered my self-esteem, and happiness is hard to come by if I am again and again made to feel shitty about myself. I wished someone to understand why I did what I did. We all love to generalize our behaviour and the behaviour of others. I would just say that whatever I have been, just think about my circumstances and what options I had available to me at the time.

I have made mistakes in my life. I have let people take advantage of me. I have accepted way less than I deserve. I have made bad choices. I have not listened to the people who advised me. I have become nothing. I have achieved nothing. I have failed in my life. I have always taken favours from all. I have pleased others and cared for others at the expense of myself. I have ruined myself totally. I have been stupid. I have screwed up my life.

I agree. I did not give heed to people, my well-wishers, who again and again told me, not to do it. I did. Always did. Feeling that I am helping, helping someone to be something. But that someone never wanted to be something. I wish I could have understood it then. Surprisingly I was blamed for his not becoming something. I still didn’t settle with it. I went a step ahead. Got ruined further. Day by day things became worse. Still I helped. Hoping one day things will be fine. One day life will be on track. I was still misunderstood. I was still taken wrong. I was always called wrong. May be doing so people shield their mistakes. However, there are some life mistakes, that if avoided in the first place, will save a whole load of heartache and misdirection.

I didn’t know how wrong my actions were. I take responsibility for making the choices I did. I want to answer to myself for the choices I made, even if I made them without fully knowing the consequences at the time. But I know I made the choices that I could with the information, resources, beliefs, and values I had at the time. Even if it was a horrible thing to do and I know it was not the right way. I still made the only choice I knew how to make under the circumstances. Who I am now is not who I was then. However, I am responsible for both. I do understand my state of being that have done things I am less proud of.

Mistakes have helped me discover who I truly am. With every mistake that I made I discovered more and more about myself, about who I am, about my limits, about my capabilities, about what I can and cannot do. They helped me be more compassionate and more tolerant with myself and others. By making mistakes I have in fact learnt valuable life lessons and have become a happy learner. Mistakes are a part of being human. They have made me human. I have learnt precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way.

I take full responsibility for what I have done. No one understood, I did have high emotions and where relations were concerned I wasn't sure enough. My insecurities and inability to effectively manage things has caused this. People were never there for me the way they should have been, the way they needed me to be there for them, for the relationship, for handling things. They must have felt so alone and so sad and so hurt. I too felt alone and sad and hurt.  But who cared. Nobody. I also understand why and how they could think I am manipulative, because I have made apologies before but I didn't hold long to the promises I made or the things I expressed in those apologies and I know that it seemed that when things were back to normal I would revert back to the actions and attitude I had before I apologized. Things never changed. I admit my mistakes but can they admit theirs, I have paid for what I've done as they have paid for theirs, so why is it like this, we can't even talk. They call me liar and say they don't care. I never meant to hurt them, never wanted to cause them any pain. I admit I made a mistake over stepping some boundaries which made me look fake. I always said I would never do the things I did,  and that is the reason it is so hard for them to forgive.

These are my words which probably don't mean a thing to anyone now, but I needed to let them know the truth about how I feel and the truth about what is and always has been. I didn't pen down all this to publicize my feelings or as I always have been taken – being manipulative or for sympathy. I have accepted the life as it is and accepted what I have and have come to terms with it.

I wish my own ones could take a long hard look at my life. I lost my way while I was fighting with the time with big black cloudy and stormy sky. Everything was so heartless, so selfish, so in dark. I have indeed come a long way, made a lot of mistakes. But I am still breathing. I have been so high, I have been so low, I got so good in taking. But today I am invincible. I have crashed into the sun and lived to fight another day. I have looked  to everyone else for the answers only I could give myself. I got told what do, how to think, what looks good, what “success” is, etc.  I let others make me feel guilty for living my life.  As long as I am not hurting anyone else, I want to keep living my life,  my way.  Sometimes I got lost in trying to live for someone else, trying to meet their expectations, and doing things just to impress them, make them happy.   I allowed these people to get the best of me.

I have made so many mistakes in my life, I’ve lost count. I’ve cried so many times, I’m amazed I have any tears left. I’ve picked myself up from rock bottom on so many occasions, that I’ve gotten rather good now at getting on with life when the shit hits the fan or when things go horribly wrong. Sure there are things I’m embarrassed about and even a few things I’m ashamed of, but I have no regrets. Every mistake truly has been a lesson. If I’d had any sense though, I’d have listened and paid attention. That would have been the smart thing to do. I have learnt that people can change but we cannot change them, no matter how much we want to. Our worth does not and cannot come from other people. From what they think about us or how they behave towards us. It has to come from us. I used to think that the kinder I was, the more I gave, the harder I tried, the more people would love and appreciate me. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Because nothing changed and all that happened was that I ended up losing myself, my dignity and their respect in the process. People show us who they are, all of the time, through their actions and their words. The signs, the red flags, the flashing lights are all there for us to see if we pay attention, which is why choosing to ignore them and continually putting blind faith and hope in someone, is really rather stupid. Some people will love you. A handful would probably even die for you. But many others won’t and certainly wouldn’t. It’s a heavy weight to bear when you’re carrying other people’s burdens and expectations. When you feel like someone else’s happiness is your responsibility.

The mistakes that took years from my life, and the life from my years...........                                                                               

Come what may..............

The little things you do make me feel good, make me smile.  The little  and less serious things we share, laugh at  -  make us related. I don’t call it a relationship, I prefer to call it relatedness. Relationships often become bondage which are not enjoyed. Relationships become duty, and duty is a four letter ugly word. It means you are on duty and you have to do it. Relatedness is not something that you do, it is something that happens. Relationships make us a drag, a martyr, reduces us to a commodity and it ends up using one another. How can being used make anyone happy? Then we take relationship to a new step – business, where there is give and take. Relationship means bondage, relatedness means freedom. Relatedness makes just two best friends, without legal bond, joyful living, without possessiveness, no exclusiveness, no jealousy.

How many of us crave for that touch? I don’t mean a massage, I don’t mean physical contact, I don’t meant sexual contact, I just mean a loving touch, A kind of touch that touches our soul. A kind of touch when we are fully present in that moment. A kind of touch that expands our cells in our bodies. A kind of touch that transmits energy. A touch that relaxes out mind and body. A touch that connects. A touch that comforts. A touch that brings a sense of trust. A touch that is a pleasure. A touch that spins a silky web to be cocooned for days. A touch that communicates through the cells. A touch we all ache for to remove all aches. The way a mother touches her baby for the first time – the purest form of touch. 

I just want to be a friend, the friend you can turn to when you need one, I want to be the mother you can talk to when something is bothering you. The incapability and my failures often threaten my sleep. I wonder if ever I can really be the person I had ever aimed to be. Next moment I feel it’s OK, even in those moments when I couldn't make it, I have always put in my best. I am not perfect but my intent is love, it has been love always. Even when I have been hurt badly and brutally. Every day I have thought that tomorrow is another day and I will do my best to be what I aim for. 

Why is a small meeting with some a connection forever? Why is it at the level of the soul? With some we share almost a lifetime, still remain unconnected and with some just few meetings and we are connected forever. There are people who live their whole lives together, yet they cannot explain what they desire of one another. Some people collect rare coins, stamps or so many things….I have collected people. People of all types, young and old, rich and poor, man and woman. I have treasured people, kept them safely in my pocket and protected them, accepted them completely, felt them beautifully, longed to keep them forever. People come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime. I am not good at letting people go, whom I have treasured so much, even when it is the best option. Even though I understand that not everyone we meet is destined to be in our lives forever. Logically I understand but Emotionally it hurts like hell.

With few, a very few it has been intense. I wept, yelled, behaved badly. Pain made me do. There is such an impact on my life that I struggle to imagine what shape I will be in.

Some came to my life when I was struggling, like an angel, they shared the heavy load that weighed me down, they wiped my tears, soothed back my hair and let me know that everything would be OK, someday.

Some came to teach me about myself, about who I really am. They showed me how to be strong, how to embrace challenges. They gave me piece of themselves to forever reflect within me. They left their footprints on my soul to cherish.

Every time we let go, we make space for new and beautiful things to enter our lives. One door closes, and another is waiting to show us to fresh marvels, if we are brave enough to open it.

I finally understood that this is the true nature of this connection. We can't be together but we'll never be completely apart.

I am learning to hold on with gratitude to all that I learn from them, to cherish the time that we shared and to let them go if the time is right, without regret. I realize now that we must love with abandon, giving our hearts fully and freely, even knowing that one day it might hurt us badly. These people have not been romantic, there has been no love story, but there has been a deep connection. A connection in which we do not run, hide or blame, instead pause, reflect and talk. These connections my seem mysterious to outsiders. Some perceive them  to be vulgar as they view it through the lens of superficial societal criteria.

We all arrived here through different roads, different highways and different dirt paths. Some of us are bruised. Some of us are spotless. How we got here doesn't matter—only how we’re connected.

I have decided to bravely put love on the back burner. I know one day my beautiful children will share the same clusters of freckles on their noses. I know there will come a time when I will look into their eyes and see a reflection of my dreams.

I never for a second doubt that I deserve all this. But I know that now is not that time, and I accept it with grace and patience.

I am in a constant state of motion, dedicating every day to myself and the goals my soul aches for.

Solitude can get deafening sometimes, but self-sufficiency is a trait even warriors have trouble mastering. I am my own commander, fighting frostbite, fidgeting in my mittens. Never apologize for the fires I light. I carry my flag with my children and know I will never be alone.

Beside me stand my children marching to the same heartbeat, carrying the same promises throughout their days, who never would need anyone to tell them what they should have, or who they should need.

Whatever it is that ties us, it isn't enough to overcome the obstacles that stand in the path of us being together. For better or worse, we will always be drawn to each other—just not in a traditional way.

It’s how we transform and grow as human beings.

If you've never had your heart broken open by loss and despair, if you've never truly been in pain, if you haven’t walked through the fire and back… You haven’t truly lived.

When we go through heartache we start to feel so much that the limitations of our hearts simply can’t take it anymore. And suddenly… It cracks open.

Sometimes we can even feel it happening inside of our chest. Our hearts may feel that they have burst, and the overwhelming pain that follows could be too much to bear but it never is. The universe never gives us anything that we cannot handle. The thing is, through these cracks, light begins to seep in. Little by little light fills your heart and your heart will start to grow. You realize that your heart is fragile for a reason: it needs to break from time to time so it can grow and we can learn how to love even harder.

We all walk this earth with giant hearts inside of our chests and we all feel so much. We are not alone and our broken hearts, they know this. Light fills us until it overflows and others can feel it, too.

Tragedy makes us warriors. Light bearers. We light up the path for others and together, we stop fumbling through the darkness and start remembering what it truly means to be alive.

Life is a gift, and this pain… It’s all for something. It’s all for something.

Life has taught me to be wild and free. To reflect on all that my heart can possibly feel. I need not fret on my mistakes. I need to forgive myself and proceed on with my journey. Forgive others and allow them to continue on their journey. What is done is done. It is a new day. And believe in mantra – come what may…there is no running from what we are, who we are and where we are.

I am not a Victim but a Volunteer...

It is true - I am not a victim but a Volunteer.

Yes, No one is to be blamed. It is all my fault. I’m going to say it. I am at fault because I picked him myself.

Rather than  a victim, I've been a volunteer.

My 20′s and 30′s were spent having friendship with wonderful men that I remain friends with some, to this day, yet I had a terrible relationship.  I realize now that a traumatic event altered my self-esteem and that is when I stopped listening to my inner knowing.

Since that time, I’ve come to the very clear conclusion that I as a woman picked bad men because I didn’t validate my own knowing.

It is true I appeared to be bold, strong, tom-boyish but psychologically I had been weak, scared, unheard, called names; which made me stammer.

By validate, I mean listen to that inner voice that “knows” something isn’t right.  I grew up in a tumultuous childhood I was unheard and invalidated.  I grew up wanting that validation from the world around me and because I never experienced it in my past, I never developed the self-validation reflex.

What does this mean? It means I am vulnerable to men that lay it on thick in the beginning.  I let myself be put on a pedestal and lavished with false love. This false love may feel validating, but it’s truly not.

I ignored the signs of trouble because I am enjoying someone outside of myself lavishing me with courtship and romance.  I don’t authenticate the inner knowing of “uh oh something’s wrong here”, and  instead continued to look for validation that I am okay by forcing an unhealthy relationship to work.

When things went wrong and it blew up in my face, I still continued to plough ahead and “make things work”.  Trying over and over to fix it, make it work, figure it out?   Sure relationships are hard and communication is tricky, all good things require some degree of work; but a dysfunctional relationship has big warning signs early on.

If I had been a woman that grew up being legitimized and trusting her own guidance, I would have run when true dysfunction arose.

On the flip side, I had been a woman that grew up in a difficult childhood,  I tried to make it work at all costs and continued to seek validation outside of myself from my partner. The good times were  so good that they fed that empty space inside of me and I ignored the warnings in my belly. 

Lack of personal validation cause women to justify their partner’s poor behaviors, while healthy self-validation skills acknowledge the concerns.

When a woman trusts herself and truly provides her own validation, she stops making poor choices.  She trusts her inner knowing and stops picking bad men for relationship.

When a woman recognizes that the highs of early romance are feeding that empty part inside that wants to be validated and finally stop ignoring the telling signs of dysfunction, she can start to choose healthy partners.

It’s time we realize that we've not been victims, we've been volunteers.

Today, I mother a girl and I in no way want her to have a dysfunctional childhood. I want her to be strong enough and strive to provide her a ground to trust herself and will support her in every way I should be, in every way I should have wanted my childhood to be.

I Love You

I am tired. I am fed up.

I am a person who has been through ups and downs of life and have taken lot of wrong turns till now.

I am broken, full of holes and worries, fears and needs.

I long for the magician who can transform me in to the woman with no needs. Till then I will remain the woman that causes you pain by being hurt myself.

My wounds drag you down and destroy your peace. And I never would want that. I do not do all this intentionally. I simply find it unbearable to hide the parts of me you would rather not like to see.

A better woman perhaps could release her needs to nurture yours. But I am yet to become that woman.

From the outside, I may look like any other woman but inside my  mind and heart is totally different.

I still don’t understand my fate, but I do understand my needs as a woman and mother.

I have been lonely for a very long time. I never had the opportunity to share my thoughts or feelings with anyone for years. Though I have plenty of friends. Friends who hardly bother in reality. Every moment I pull their strings, build bridges to connect, still have my hands empty.

In you I found something that attracted me towards you. I just fell for you. In you I could see what I longed for, a real, true, beautiful soul. You too needed love. Your eyes seemed to me like a person finding for some peace, some love and the want for being loved. I wanted to give you all that you longed for.

We had experienced some of the same things in life, and I instantly admired your attitude and perspective.

Sometimes when with you I feel a sense of inner conflict. One the one hand, I wanted to live up to everything I imagined you expected of me.

But I also want to be free, to just be me, in whatever state, without worrying about how I’m perceived. I have always tried to learn how to show up in front of others as they liked. But with you I left that learning and without any fear - whether or not you will accept me as I am. Talking to you, being with you I found myself more and more comfortable, and relieved that after so much time, I had finally been able to relax myself in your company. I had dared to speak to myself what I wanted without being scared.

We talked about everything – family, jobs, life, people, almost everything. And I realised I too can still be loved, though not sure.

I had always wanted to connect to someone, but every time the fear or something or the other had some in between. Sometimes my thoughts, behaviour, likes, dislikes, attitude, humour,….so many of them made it to terminate before it even began.

I am scared with you too. What if you are not serious? What if I mean nothing to you? What if I am a burden on you? Hundreds of them……. the fear of people judging me and don’t know why I felt that these judgments may be true, am I fit for you, will I be able to live up to your expectations, will I be able to make you happy, will I be happy with you?

Then I dissected my feelings and accepted me to be weak, very weak when it came to emotions, relationships, rejections.

I wanted you to give me your time and attention. I wanted you to listen to my talk about my day, what my kids did, the good parts, the bad parts. Just by listening, you built trust and intimacy and love. I knew the limitations, I know it all, but still plunged into this relationship, not sure whether you felt the same for me or not. Just wanted to live the moments of being in love.

At first, I reminded myself that I was not the same person I used to be before. I had come a long way and I should be proud of it.

But then I stopped myself and questioned my well-intentioned internal monologue. Was this really what I needed to hear—that I was so much better today than what I used to be?

Maybe what I really needed to hear was, “You are the same person—because the person you were before was beautiful and worthy of love, just as you are now. She was just at a different part of the journey.”

Fate controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

I may have made poor choices before and I may have struggled more than I do now, but I was doing the best I could, based on where I was at that time. This was no reason to be ashamed of where I’d been.

My loneliest moments over the past few years have been at home. Though it is a blessing to sit with my children, but there is a deep ache inside. There are few things I cannot talk to or share with my children. I sit down with an empty space across me and on either side of me, joy—bouncing legs, noisy talks, smiles, energetic darlings yearning to tell me about their days and I listen, but there is something missing…..missing badly.

Someone who’s there to listen, contribute to the conversation, and ask the questions I forget to ask, who asks me, “How was your day?” or just touches, holds my hand, listens what I have to say, comforts me, laughs and makes me laugh too.

As a mother, I feel forgotten, a lot. I listen and listen, but who is there to listen to me? Who is there to know how I feel within? Who is there to ask what the matter is? I know the needs of every child just by looking into their eyes. Who is there to know and understand what I need? No one.

It is a simple action—to be silent and give attention to the object of your affection. It  means more than any words could ever express. Where is that silence? Where is that attention?

After the day is over and I tended to everyone else’s needs, I too want to express my sensual side and be passionate.  It is important for me to feed my needs, even if they are primal.

I am different to you. But I wish I were not. I pray so often to be transformed in to the woman I know you wish I were. Till I manage to hold that mask which is loved by all, I am loved. And now I am tired. I have fought and battled and struggled with myself to be only the parts of me you love. But the ugly parts live on. The needy parts, the lonely parts, the jealous parts and the part that wants to interact with your sexual side as much as your intellectual side. They live and breathe and cause you pain. I can feel the pain you have to bear because of me.

Can you understand that I am not asking you to change? I accept you just as you are and long for the day when I can change to meet you there. The day that I can be the woman I can see you need. Perhaps that day will come.

What a beautiful story we could be. Me standing faithfully by your side, dedicated to you and wanting nothing but your company. Patiently waiting for you to find your way, knowing you would find your way back to me.

But I am a weaker woman than I appear. I cannot lie about my want for you, my need for you and my selfish and total dependence on you.

Please rejoice in the fact that I saw you and I felt you and that I agree with you.

Your way is better. It is more beautiful, more pure and perfectly lovely.

This isn’t goodbye. This is surrender. God knows I’ve tried to change but I am no longer willing to be the blockade to your happiness.

You are so beautiful and so wonderful and everything I ever dreamed of. Be that still and always. And perhaps we will make love in our dreams.

I love you. And that is why I must let you go. Enjoy your life. Be happy. I cannot chain you.

I will always love you.

Conversation with ME!

People are like oceans. Some parts are visible. But, most of us  can’t see shallow pools of truth and deep pools of dark mysteries..... !!!

When we try to get into these oceans, waves, tides or time, we get lost completely. We lose ourselves in the process.

I wonder at these things, how they change and still hold their head high as if not aware of the difference they make to some. Any change is not easy. It brings along lots of storms with it. Change is one of the hardest thing as it means leaving the perceived safety and comfort zone. It takes lots of courage and risk to change. And if change is ignored stagnancy builds, followed by the restlessness.

There lies ahead of us - the road less travelled and the road mostly travelled. What if the future is uncertain, what if you are not at all trusted, what if you are not at all thought of?

At times we know we are completely honest with ourselves and set fear aside, we want to and we need to take the chance because this is how we will continue to grow. Even if the future is uncertain, it still moves us closer to our own authenticity, to the real self and that alone is worth the risk of moving into the unknown.  

As my thoughts come and go, both from my mind and heart, I sit quietly and observe what they have to say. I notice the thoughts that are strong and forceful, try to convince me that life is a certain defined path and often the thoughts generated by the mind need to be controlled. And then in amongst all of mind's thoughts, I quietly hear my heart speak and its message is sweet and so peaceful as it calls me to it, raising a deep desire to hear more of its gentle message. And I see myself being attracted towards it.

I keep looking; keep trying to work out the HOW. I keep looking for another way of to move past the obstacles, just so I can make it work. But then I realise it doesn't matter how hard I try, how hard I push because if I keep approaching the problem from the same perspective, nothing will change. Change the perception. STOP.

It's at this point I understand that messages from heart are always infused with love, with a gentleness that supports me, supports those around me and so consciously I choose these thoughts to fill my mind and with which to walk on this earth. And as I do this, I notice a deep peace washing over me and the knowledge that this is authentically me.  

Softly my heart speaks of love and gratitude, of miracles that occur every day. It says, there are some moments when you are not fully you; and just sometimes you are just you. So with gentle whispers, my heart continues to encourage me, to simply just be..ME!

I gently bow my head in reflection and acknowledge all that I've been given or has been taken away and all that I have taken and given away; the lessons in life given or taken have led me to a deeper understanding of my Self, bringing awareness to who I am and what I have to share and what I can share.

This journey has been rich with variations, with many joys and sadness. Every sadness has been a gift as it always has brought light to the deepest corners of my heart, showing me the depth of love that is there to own, to share, to give, to love, to care.

I have shed so many tears and felt the despair, and all this is natural. As it has been the part of the process of letting go off the sadness and tension. And by letting them go, it created space for my heart to receive the unknown gifts. Gifts of owning, gifts of sharing, gifts of giving, gifts of caring, gifts of loving…and many more. I have been blessed with some real angels in my life. Though they have been very human but always had an angelic touch. But I ask myself will I shed more tears? And I answer it back….Yes I will. And that too will be okay, because in doing this I continue to let go of the emotion that’s been held inside. The emotion that has been pulling me down. The emotion that has been helping me to come out of every situation. The more the emotion comes out the more the potency of the devilish darkness becomes less. These powers have never been able to overpower me. Blessed.

Then a thought flashes - being a woman of strength all through and inspired by the Sidney Sheldon ladies, why am I so weak today……

I was judged even before I was known…………..

I'm starting to think that I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I bring on problems for myself, then act like a victim. 

Today I realize that I am my own problem. The wisdom says - a person must look inward if they hope to master life at large. The wonderful thing is that just as I am my own problem, I can also be my own solution.  The world around us reflects the world within, so instead of trying to operate on the outside world of effects (conditions, circumstances, events, people…), I have to get into the rhythm of working on the inside world of causes (intentions, beliefs, attitude…).  

I just feel so paranoid all the time. And it's not like I mean to do this - it's just for a second it's like anger gets a hold of me, then drops me again. 

I have found a solution, but I know I'm going to find it very hard. This is my solution: what I will do is try hard not to let anger lose my cool. I will go out and try my hardest not to show everyone how irritated I am, whatever happens. I will stay as relaxed as I am at home, and will keep a positive attitude towards people instead of showing them negative attitudes. And if I manage to keep this up, I might be able to beat the anger/irritation forever. It might stop it from getting the better of me. 

I go to bed every night wishing I would wake up with some disease and only have a few months to live. Or that I would die on the way to work in a car or have a massive heart attack. That would show them, wouldn’t it. But then a thought flashes - Would anyone really care if I was gone? What will happen to those who don’t even know what having no one to care means?

I walk around feeling empty inside and nobody notices. Why can’t anyone see how sad I am? Can’t anyone see how much pain I am in? Can’t anyone see me struggling to stay alive? I hate myself even more for having these thoughts. How weak is that? Why can't I be strong and get over it? I ask myself if this is a cruel joke God is playing on me? Is this payback for all the bad I have done in my life? Why am I here? I am so pathetic and such a loser.

I don’t want the world to see the real me as I think they will not understand. My lifetime came from a struggle all that I have seen is what I follow…..I was judged even before I was known…………..