She is stupid. She feels she is always right. She is jealous
of all. She is always like this. She has never been true. She has betrayed. She
is a bad person. Even, she is a characterless woman.
Are these statements really true? Have I been always stupid?
Have I been always been jealous? Have I always been a bad person? Have I always
been characterless? Do I not have any qualities of a good person? Have I never
done any good to anyone?
I was never helped to get over it. It actually has murdered
my self-esteem, and happiness is hard to come by if I am again and again made
to feel shitty about myself. I wished someone to understand why I did what I
did. We all love to generalize our behaviour and the behaviour of others. I
would just say that whatever I have been, just think about my circumstances and
what options I had available to me at the time.
I have made mistakes in my life. I have let people take
advantage of me. I have accepted way less than I deserve. I have made bad
choices. I have not listened to the people who advised me. I have become
nothing. I have achieved nothing. I have failed in my life. I have always taken
favours from all. I have pleased others and cared for others at the expense of
myself. I have ruined myself totally. I have been stupid. I have screwed up my
life.
I agree. I did not give heed to people, my well-wishers, who
again and again told me, not to do it. I did. Always did. Feeling that I am
helping, helping someone to be something. But that someone never wanted to be
something. I wish I could have understood it then. Surprisingly I was blamed
for his not becoming something. I still didn’t settle with it. I went a step
ahead. Got ruined further. Day by day things became worse. Still I helped.
Hoping one day things will be fine. One day life will be on track. I was still
misunderstood. I was still taken wrong. I was always called wrong. May be doing
so people shield their mistakes. However, there are some life mistakes, that if
avoided in the first place, will save a whole load of heartache and
misdirection.
I didn’t know how wrong my actions were. I take
responsibility for making the choices I did. I want to answer to myself for the
choices I made, even if I made them without fully knowing the consequences at
the time. But I know I made the choices that I could with the information,
resources, beliefs, and values I had at the time. Even if it was a horrible
thing to do and I know it was not the right way. I still made the only choice I
knew how to make under the circumstances. Who I am now is not who I was then.
However, I am responsible for both. I do understand my state of being that have
done things I am less proud of.
Mistakes have helped me discover who I truly am. With every
mistake that I made I discovered more and more about myself, about who I am,
about my limits, about my capabilities, about what I can and cannot do. They
helped me be more compassionate and more tolerant with myself and others. By
making mistakes I have in fact learnt valuable life lessons and have become a
happy learner. Mistakes are a part of being human. They have made me human. I
have learnt precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way.
I take full responsibility for what I have done. No one
understood, I did have high emotions and where relations were concerned I
wasn't sure enough. My insecurities and inability to effectively manage things
has caused this. People were never there for me the way they should have been,
the way they needed me to be there for them, for the relationship, for handling
things. They must have felt so alone and so sad and so hurt. I too felt alone
and sad and hurt. But who cared. Nobody. I also understand why and how
they could think I am manipulative, because I have made apologies before but I
didn't hold long to the promises I made or the things I expressed in those
apologies and I know that it seemed that when things were back to normal I
would revert back to the actions and attitude I had before I apologized. Things
never changed. I admit my mistakes but can they admit theirs, I have paid for
what I've done as they have paid for theirs, so why is it like this, we can't
even talk. They call me liar and say they don't care. I never meant to hurt
them, never wanted to cause them any pain. I admit I made a mistake over
stepping some boundaries which made me look fake. I always said I would never
do the things I did, and that is the reason it is so hard for them to
forgive.
These are my words which probably don't mean a thing to
anyone now, but I needed to let them know the truth about how I feel and the
truth about what is and always has been. I didn't pen down all this to
publicize my feelings or as I always have been taken – being manipulative or
for sympathy. I have accepted the life as it is and accepted what I have and
have come to terms with it.
I wish my own ones could take a long hard look at my life. I
lost my way while I was fighting with the time with big black cloudy and stormy
sky. Everything was so heartless, so selfish, so in dark. I have indeed come a
long way, made a lot of mistakes. But I am still breathing. I have been so
high, I have been so low, I got so good in taking. But today I am invincible. I
have crashed into the sun and lived to fight another day. I have looked
to everyone else for the answers only I could give myself. I got told
what do, how to think, what looks good, what “success” is, etc. I let
others make me feel guilty for living my life. As long as I am not
hurting anyone else, I want to keep living my life, my way. Sometimes
I got lost in trying to live for someone else, trying to meet their
expectations, and doing things just to impress them, make them happy.
I allowed these people to get the best of me.
I have made so many mistakes in my life, I’ve lost count.
I’ve cried so many times, I’m amazed I have any tears left. I’ve picked myself
up from rock bottom on so many occasions, that I’ve gotten rather good now at
getting on with life when the shit hits the fan or when things go horribly
wrong. Sure there are things I’m embarrassed about and even a few things I’m
ashamed of, but I have no regrets. Every mistake truly has been a lesson. If
I’d had any sense though, I’d have listened and paid attention. That would have
been the smart thing to do. I have learnt that people can change but we cannot
change them, no matter how much we want to. Our worth does not and cannot come
from other people. From what they think about us or how they behave towards us.
It has to come from us. I used to think that the kinder I was, the more I gave,
the harder I tried, the more people would love and appreciate me. But I was
wrong. So very wrong. Because nothing changed and all that happened was that I
ended up losing myself, my dignity and their respect in the process. People
show us who they are, all of the time, through their actions and their words.
The signs, the red flags, the flashing lights are all there for us to see if we
pay attention, which is why choosing to ignore them and continually putting
blind faith and hope in someone, is really rather stupid. Some people will love
you. A handful would probably even die for you. But many others won’t and
certainly wouldn’t. It’s a heavy weight to bear when you’re carrying other
people’s burdens and expectations. When you feel like someone else’s happiness
is your responsibility.
