Conversation with ME!

People are like oceans. Some parts are visible. But, most of us  can’t see shallow pools of truth and deep pools of dark mysteries..... !!!

When we try to get into these oceans, waves, tides or time, we get lost completely. We lose ourselves in the process.

I wonder at these things, how they change and still hold their head high as if not aware of the difference they make to some. Any change is not easy. It brings along lots of storms with it. Change is one of the hardest thing as it means leaving the perceived safety and comfort zone. It takes lots of courage and risk to change. And if change is ignored stagnancy builds, followed by the restlessness.

There lies ahead of us - the road less travelled and the road mostly travelled. What if the future is uncertain, what if you are not at all trusted, what if you are not at all thought of?

At times we know we are completely honest with ourselves and set fear aside, we want to and we need to take the chance because this is how we will continue to grow. Even if the future is uncertain, it still moves us closer to our own authenticity, to the real self and that alone is worth the risk of moving into the unknown.  

As my thoughts come and go, both from my mind and heart, I sit quietly and observe what they have to say. I notice the thoughts that are strong and forceful, try to convince me that life is a certain defined path and often the thoughts generated by the mind need to be controlled. And then in amongst all of mind's thoughts, I quietly hear my heart speak and its message is sweet and so peaceful as it calls me to it, raising a deep desire to hear more of its gentle message. And I see myself being attracted towards it.

I keep looking; keep trying to work out the HOW. I keep looking for another way of to move past the obstacles, just so I can make it work. But then I realise it doesn't matter how hard I try, how hard I push because if I keep approaching the problem from the same perspective, nothing will change. Change the perception. STOP.

It's at this point I understand that messages from heart are always infused with love, with a gentleness that supports me, supports those around me and so consciously I choose these thoughts to fill my mind and with which to walk on this earth. And as I do this, I notice a deep peace washing over me and the knowledge that this is authentically me.  

Softly my heart speaks of love and gratitude, of miracles that occur every day. It says, there are some moments when you are not fully you; and just sometimes you are just you. So with gentle whispers, my heart continues to encourage me, to simply just be..ME!

I gently bow my head in reflection and acknowledge all that I've been given or has been taken away and all that I have taken and given away; the lessons in life given or taken have led me to a deeper understanding of my Self, bringing awareness to who I am and what I have to share and what I can share.

This journey has been rich with variations, with many joys and sadness. Every sadness has been a gift as it always has brought light to the deepest corners of my heart, showing me the depth of love that is there to own, to share, to give, to love, to care.

I have shed so many tears and felt the despair, and all this is natural. As it has been the part of the process of letting go off the sadness and tension. And by letting them go, it created space for my heart to receive the unknown gifts. Gifts of owning, gifts of sharing, gifts of giving, gifts of caring, gifts of loving…and many more. I have been blessed with some real angels in my life. Though they have been very human but always had an angelic touch. But I ask myself will I shed more tears? And I answer it back….Yes I will. And that too will be okay, because in doing this I continue to let go of the emotion that’s been held inside. The emotion that has been pulling me down. The emotion that has been helping me to come out of every situation. The more the emotion comes out the more the potency of the devilish darkness becomes less. These powers have never been able to overpower me. Blessed.

Then a thought flashes - being a woman of strength all through and inspired by the Sidney Sheldon ladies, why am I so weak today……

I was judged even before I was known…………..

I'm starting to think that I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I bring on problems for myself, then act like a victim. 

Today I realize that I am my own problem. The wisdom says - a person must look inward if they hope to master life at large. The wonderful thing is that just as I am my own problem, I can also be my own solution.  The world around us reflects the world within, so instead of trying to operate on the outside world of effects (conditions, circumstances, events, people…), I have to get into the rhythm of working on the inside world of causes (intentions, beliefs, attitude…).  

I just feel so paranoid all the time. And it's not like I mean to do this - it's just for a second it's like anger gets a hold of me, then drops me again. 

I have found a solution, but I know I'm going to find it very hard. This is my solution: what I will do is try hard not to let anger lose my cool. I will go out and try my hardest not to show everyone how irritated I am, whatever happens. I will stay as relaxed as I am at home, and will keep a positive attitude towards people instead of showing them negative attitudes. And if I manage to keep this up, I might be able to beat the anger/irritation forever. It might stop it from getting the better of me. 

I go to bed every night wishing I would wake up with some disease and only have a few months to live. Or that I would die on the way to work in a car or have a massive heart attack. That would show them, wouldn’t it. But then a thought flashes - Would anyone really care if I was gone? What will happen to those who don’t even know what having no one to care means?

I walk around feeling empty inside and nobody notices. Why can’t anyone see how sad I am? Can’t anyone see how much pain I am in? Can’t anyone see me struggling to stay alive? I hate myself even more for having these thoughts. How weak is that? Why can't I be strong and get over it? I ask myself if this is a cruel joke God is playing on me? Is this payback for all the bad I have done in my life? Why am I here? I am so pathetic and such a loser.

I don’t want the world to see the real me as I think they will not understand. My lifetime came from a struggle all that I have seen is what I follow…..I was judged even before I was known…………..

Till Death Do Us Part !!!!

Many a times when I see elderly couple holding hands while walking, wiping one another’s mouth with a small tissue and keeping their heads together for support, it brings tears to my eyes and I really wonder, will this dream of mine ever come true, will I ever be able to be in such scene. This is absolute love. The purest form of love with no other desires. A love that has no end and a love that does not base itself off of circumstances. This is the love should be. This is the dream each one of us dream of. But, too often we jump into a relationship based on our instant feelings, instead of waiting to see who that person truly is. We are just blinded and when the time shows the real face of the person, and we are no longer capable of doing anything (that is what we presume) for the dream which we once had.

Being “in love” and “loving” someone are two separate things. We tend to fall in love too quickly. We believe we are in love, and we actually love the person’s initial personality, appearance, behaviour(which is at the best initially) and the areas of their life which match those written in our imaginary “want” list. This list is our made, influenced by our environment, dreams and future securities. Another term for falling in love is lust. Lust is not always sexual. It is most of the time sexual for men. But for women, it means companionship, thoughtfulness and security. And when a woman see these things in a man, she falls in love with him. Falling in love is the best thing that can happen to a person, but the same falling in love can have negative consequences if we jump in too quickly. We all have experienced the person for whom we have fallen in love, remains no longer the same after some time. And the truth is even we do not remain the same. We are more matured, identify what we really want in our life and understand the meaning of being in love. So it is always better to be in love and move on than falling in love and never be able to get up again.  

True love is built over time. It does not happen overnight or even in couple of months. Love grows with time and by overcoming the obstacles. And if does not happen so, it is best to understand that there is no love. So most of us can know whether there is love or no love between us within couple of years.so there is no question in my mind now, that the couple I had seen once, would not have faced challenges, would not have been through tough times. But what keeps them together is that they fought the battles together, as a team. Ideally marriage should last a lifetime, so we should choose our partner well and allow time to prove who they truly are, only then a marriage can last. A close relationship, no matter how hard the times may be, can never be moved. No third person can intrude into the relationship if the relationship is strong, if both are in love. But if they struggle to be in relationship just for the sake of it, it is better to come out of the relationship and breathe some fresh air and move on.

Now it is very obvious that the elderly couple who touched me were more than lovers. They were friends. Looks will fade, trials will come but a genuine friendship  will carry the love to the end.