क्या तुम मेरी किताब बनोगे?

मैं तुम्हे किसी किताब सा पढ़ना चाहती हूं, cover से cover तक|

धीरे धीरे एक एक पन्ना पलटकर, इतना धीरे कि आखिरी पन्ना मैं, आखिरी सांस के साथ पढ़ सकूं|
हर पन्ने को अंगुलियों से स्पर्श कर, मासूम सी खुरदराहट को महसूस करना चाहती हूं|
हर पलटते पन्ने की सहमी सहमी सरसराहट को सुनना चाहती हूं।

हर पन्ने की हर एक line के अर्थ की बारीकियों में डूबना चाहती हूं|
कुछ गंभीर सी lines के अर्थ का अनर्थ कर, कुछ खुशनुमा से रंग उड़ेलना चाहती हूं|
इसी बड़ी सी किताब की कुछ पुरानी lines चुराकर, हमारे लिए कविता लिखना चाहती हूं|

Lines जो जरूरी हो जीवन में, उन्हें अपने कलम से underline करना चाहती हूं |
और कुछ कुछ भागों में महज एक सहज सी नजर मारकर निकल लेना चाहती हूं |
जो अल्फ़ाज़ समझ नहीं आए मुझे, मैं बैठ तुम्हारी बाहों में, वो तुमसे समझना चाहती हूं |
कुछ पन्नों की हल्की हल्की बुदबुदाहट को देख, ज़ोर से हसना चाहती हूं |

पढ़ने में शायद मुझे जरा ज्यादा वक़्त लगे पर,
जानने भी तो हैं तेरे हजारों किरदार,
और मैं तो तेरे हर किरदार की कदर करना चाहती हूं |
कुछ चिपके हुए पन्नो को, पास रखी एक scale से तहज़ीब से, सुलझाना चाहती हूं,
शायद वैसे ही जैसे तुम मेरे बालों को सुलझाते हो

जब तुम्हारे सर पर चांदी के बाल होंगे, और तुम्हारे पोपले से गाल होंगे,
सलवटों सी जुरिया हर तरफ होंगीं
मैं खोल इस किताब के पुराने पन्नो की सलवटो से तुम्हारे चेहरे पर यौवन की चमक वापस लाना चाहती हूं|

मैं तुमसे इश्क़ करना चाहती हूं, आदि से अंत तक, और शायद उससे भी परे|

क्या तुम मेरी किताब बनोगे?

वो बारिश ही तो था............

हां, वो बारिश ही तो था
जो आसमान से उतर के आया था
और ज़िन्दगी के सुखे पड़े बगीचे में
खिला गया कुछ रंग बिरंगे फूलफिर लुटाकर अपना सारा खजाना,थम गया वो एक दिन

पर हां, अभी कुछ बूँदे अटकी हैं, यादें, पत्तो में
मैं इन मोतियों को सजना चाहती हूँ, इन्हें frame करना चाहती हूँ।
पर धीरे धीरे ये टपक रही हैं,
और ये निर्दयी धूप भी तो उड़ा रही हैं इन्हें।
फिर गुम हो जाएंगी कहीं हवाओं में, मिलेंगे नहीं
अब तो मौसम भी खराब है
मुझे डर हैं कोई हवा का झोंका
एक झटके में ना गिरा दे सारी बूंदें|

बारिश की तरह बरसते रहो, हम पर.... मिट्टी की तरह हम भी, महकते चले जायेंगे....!!!!

The Leaf and the Wind.

I am a leaf. My life changed ever since that day.

I was happy on the tree. The tree – silent, observant, full of life and vigor. It had withstood many storms.

It was a breezy morning; the sun was at its glorious state, just when the gardener came in our beautiful garden to nip the edges of the plants. But that day, to my surprise, he headed towards my tree with a chainsaw held firmly in his hand. I looked on with fear and anger knowing that I could do nothing to stop the menace. He climbed up on my tree and took nearly no time in selecting the branches to be chopped off and started with his job. I could see my family members being chopped in front of my very own eyes. I got detached from the tree and as I was falling, grief weighed me further down and I felt as if the loneliness was engulfing me. Broken and torn tree had nothing to say.

I tried to be positive and thoughts went through me – I need to see the world beyond……and then I felt a spark of joy…..I felt wind. It took me with it

I was close to the ground just when the wind came and took me with him. I couldn’t believe that I was flying high and low in whichever way the wind carried me. I was happy that I found a new friend, the wind.

I looked out across the broad, dawn-pink sky and down over the beautiful spring garden. The wind left me shimmering, fluttering. Wind gave me the freedom of motion. Without the wind I would never have seen the world below or from side to side. Wind rocked me to sleep and shook me awake. Wind made me dance.

 It was a splendid company; I forgot all about my worries and loneliness and flowed with him. Wind cared and supported me and somewhat stirred up a hope within me. There dwelled a wish to live, free and happy. The sun rose and set, days went by, we moved on. That day the wind felt agitated,  strived to be patient and struggled to control his temper. I could see the wind  throbbing in anguish. Suddenly everything went wrong, wind changed, I could find wind no more and the storm rose. This was a strong blow on me. A twig pierced through my heart making a permanent hole. I throttled with the feeling of dejection and solitude. The storm passed away. I was on the ground, hoping wind will come looking for me. He didn’t return to me, silence paved in to the atmosphere, endless questions that augmented within myself all remained unresolved and unanswered; it seemed all that was there had become a past, a yesterday.

I waited on the ground feeling weak and worn-out; the shadow of misery over powered me bringing the essence of noxious misfortune. My incapable heart pleaded for a glance of him. The world stood still, all its glory and harmony was left behind; everything appeared so prosaic and hollow. Few days passed I saw the wind, happy as ever, I cried “wind.. take me with you please.... I have no strength to move.........” The wind didn’t stop for me for he stops for no one; he just replied “I have no time for you; I have other things to do....” Then he brushed through the trees, rolling some new leaves, which are now his new friends. My eyes cried but without a drop coming out, my heart bled but without a spot of stain.  My heart was too heavy and wind couldn’t blow me away.

I was lost and could feel my life was running out with each moment that passed by. I lay on the ground motionless, thin and tired, the cold dark night approached; as the air grew chill, I began to take on the most magnificent colors. First a yellow cast and then little patches of red and gold began to creep across it. I had lost all the moisture, my skin had turned to pale dull colour. It was a process of gradual decay and I had to wait till the end. I felt my body dry up and start to crack, I went numb but my emotions were still very much alive. I was counting the last seconds of my life before I would enter the door of heaven and meet some of my family members.   I knew not what was the best suitable emotion for me at this juncture of life; should I be down with forlorn or rise above with ecstasy. I silently prayed for the last time, “May the nature witness our never ending friendship.... God bless the wind...... I will die but wind happily forever should live by..........”

My Midlife Crisis

My silver troops are marching on

Gallantly in all their glory

As I feel them in my crown

Each strand seems like saying

Come sit

I will tell you my story

The lines on my forehead

The freckles on my cheek

This extra crease around my neck

They embrace me in a warm hug

These wrinkles are the supreme artist baring his brush on the canvas of my life

With open arms I welcome every symbol, every sign

That celebrate each milestone of my life

The real estate in my backyard has appreciated

My chins have doubled like the most promising mutual funds

Somedays I am stiff and literally sore

As if my bones have been dipped in Revive

And sundried too

Raising my millennial kids has taught me

Nothing is impossible

It is all there up in the mind

Somedays I am laughing out impishly like a child

Teasing my sons

About their heartbreaks and crushes

I tell him I just had one too

They look at me with questioning eyes

But you know what

Midlife is the second teenage

Just that life has taught us how to smartly moderate

Because hormones will be brats

They will be upto pranks

While going or while coming

Suddenly it sounds so over rated

It might soon get deactivated

Somedays I am struggling

To cut out the cacophony, the noise of relations

Of responsibilities, judgements and opinions

The next moment

I can make and bake

Out of the same noisy dissonance

With all my demons, I have made peace

Instead I am now flirting with all my dreams

To love and to nurture

Was never an option

That is in my DNA

That is how I am very wired

I am the rock by your shore

If your waves are severe

I am your anchor, if you feel fragile or lost

But To guard my own self-respect, I know pretty well how to disconnect

I love to play, a myriad of my roles

But I can rise above each

To go on a blind date with my soul

But I am also sandwiched between eras

I am the connector between the generations

So I will uphold what I strongly believe in

But sieve out my pessimism and pass on just the best

Neither guilty nor apologetic, about the choices I made

Don’t call them my sacrifices

I am no goddess, I am no sage

And today 4 decades and more

4 decades and more in the bliss of my haven

My work

My offsprings

I celebrate every war every ceasefire

Every balance that I have made

I am a superhero

Giving away pieces of myself, a little at a time

I gave away pieces of myself, a little at a time.

I never thought that I would end up in an abusive relationship. Not me. No way.

I was strong, outspoken, and independent. I would never allow myself to be treated that way. It’s so much easier to say these things from an outside perspective. Everything is more complicated when you’re in the middle of it.

It wasn’t until years later that I was even able to admit that it was abuse. There were good moments, and happy memories intertwined with all the bad times. There were exhilarating highs and devastating lows. As humans, we have a hard time letting go of the people we become attached to; even when it’s in our own best interest.

It started out the way any other relationship does. We met and there was an attraction, a connection, a spark. At first, I thought he was shy: a quiet, romantic, and sweet guy. He was little older and looked more mature, and he gave the appearance of a hard-working family man. I had no idea that all those first impressions were just a façade. I was young and naïve, and my pure heart always focused on the good in people.

Everything moved pretty quickly. Too quickly. Looking back, I wasn’t in a good place when we met. I was already on my own self-destructive path. And unfortunately I knew it. Still the demons within me made me go for it.

Perhaps he had been drawn to the damage in my eyes; like a moth to a flame.

I was lonely, and desperate to fill the void in my heart. I ignored all the red flags and made excuses for everything. Maybe, he was just a little broken too? Maybe, I could help him; change him, fix him? Surely my love would be enough to do that.

I gave pieces of myself away, a little at a time.

In the beginning, I was motivated by love, but in the end there was only fear. I played right into all the mind games, and allowed him to be in control.

I told myself that the extremely jealous behavior and possessiveness were signs of love. I convinced myself that if I could just prove to him that he could trust me, it would get better. Every time I gave an inch; he needed a mile. I allowed him free reign of my life. Unlimited access to my phone, email, and social media accounts. As someone who already had a tendency to self-blame, I accepted that everything was my fault. It’s hard to explain, but his manipulation had a seductive quality. He would speak softly, and hold me while he told me the things that I needed to change about myself. He was just trying to help me be a better person, he would say. I could be so amazing—if only I did this, or didn’t do that. So, I tried to be who he wanted me to be.

It was never enough. He would constantly lie to me, rob me and still make me believe he had no choice. It was a sick and twisted game; and I didn’t want to play anymore. I was emotionally exhausted, and finally ready to move on.

This is the point where things started to escalate, but I felt trapped. He attacked my relationships with family and friends; convinced me that they didn’t really care about me. He was the only one who did. By then, I had three children, whom I did not want to part with. I was isolated. No family wanted me. No one cared. No one felt what I was going through.

I felt like I was nothing.

People often only think of the physical aspect of abuse, but it’s the complete mental and emotional break down of a person that leaves the biggest scars. The endless name calling. The consistent attacks on my personality and appearance. The destruction of everything I thought I was. I was already a shadow of the person I used to be.

If he knew he went too far, he’d show up with hugs and kisses. He’d put on a big show with real tears, and beg me not to leave him. He was sorry, he would get help, he would be better. He knew just what to say. He would pull at my heartstrings, and I’d take him back. Things would be good again for a while. I’d think I was happy.

Until the next time.

I was holding onto who we were in the beginning, and constantly trying to get back to that. It never occurred to me that I loved him for who I wanted him to be, and not who he truly was. The person I thought I loved didn’t exist. Every morning, I’d wake up and wonder what he was going to get mad at me for that day. I was constantly walking around on egg shells; carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders with three souls hugging me. It got to the point where he was driving me to and from work, and would show up randomly and demand to see my phone, hack my accounts.

I couldn’t breathe.

I think I finally realized that none of this was love. How could someone hate everything about me, but claim to love me? Ultimately, it was my daughter who gave me the strength to leave.

As if sent from the heavens, I was offered a lifeline. An old flame heard me. He reached out, and slowly became my confidant. He told me all the things that I needed to hear. That I was perfect, just the way I was. That I deserved better, and that he wanted to be my angel always. He offered me safety, and helped me to escape. His love was almost enough to mend my broken spirit. Unfortunately, after what I had been through, it was all too much, too soon.

We had it in us but circumstances, commitments and liabilities made us use our brains instead of our hearts.

Found many supports, different varieties. But hurt people, hurt people.  I gave away pieces of myself, a little at a time.

I always longed for those angelic words, it still tears me up inside the way I was treated by that wonderful angel. I will forever be thankful, and I hope he knows we both are sorry for not being close to each other.

I’ll never know if I would have eventually mustered up the strength to leave on my own, but that isn’t the point. I finally left for good, and never looked back. I’ve let this experience make me better, stronger, and wiser.

I couldn’t handle the thought of my children growing up thinking that the way he treated me was okay. I needed to break the cycle—for them.

I am happy and blessed today, but the loneliness tears me inside giving away pieces of myself, a little at a time.