My Midlife Crisis

My silver troops are marching on

Gallantly in all their glory

As I feel them in my crown

Each strand seems like saying

Come sit

I will tell you my story

The lines on my forehead

The freckles on my cheek

This extra crease around my neck

They embrace me in a warm hug

These wrinkles are the supreme artist baring his brush on the canvas of my life

With open arms I welcome every symbol, every sign

That celebrate each milestone of my life

The real estate in my backyard has appreciated

My chins have doubled like the most promising mutual funds

Somedays I am stiff and literally sore

As if my bones have been dipped in Revive

And sundried too

Raising my millennial kids has taught me

Nothing is impossible

It is all there up in the mind

Somedays I am laughing out impishly like a child

Teasing my sons

About their heartbreaks and crushes

I tell him I just had one too

They look at me with questioning eyes

But you know what

Midlife is the second teenage

Just that life has taught us how to smartly moderate

Because hormones will be brats

They will be upto pranks

While going or while coming

Suddenly it sounds so over rated

It might soon get deactivated

Somedays I am struggling

To cut out the cacophony, the noise of relations

Of responsibilities, judgements and opinions

The next moment

I can make and bake

Out of the same noisy dissonance

With all my demons, I have made peace

Instead I am now flirting with all my dreams

To love and to nurture

Was never an option

That is in my DNA

That is how I am very wired

I am the rock by your shore

If your waves are severe

I am your anchor, if you feel fragile or lost

But To guard my own self-respect, I know pretty well how to disconnect

I love to play, a myriad of my roles

But I can rise above each

To go on a blind date with my soul

But I am also sandwiched between eras

I am the connector between the generations

So I will uphold what I strongly believe in

But sieve out my pessimism and pass on just the best

Neither guilty nor apologetic, about the choices I made

Don’t call them my sacrifices

I am no goddess, I am no sage

And today 4 decades and more

4 decades and more in the bliss of my haven

My work

My offsprings

I celebrate every war every ceasefire

Every balance that I have made

I am a superhero

Giving away pieces of myself, a little at a time

I gave away pieces of myself, a little at a time.

I never thought that I would end up in an abusive relationship. Not me. No way.

I was strong, outspoken, and independent. I would never allow myself to be treated that way. It’s so much easier to say these things from an outside perspective. Everything is more complicated when you’re in the middle of it.

It wasn’t until years later that I was even able to admit that it was abuse. There were good moments, and happy memories intertwined with all the bad times. There were exhilarating highs and devastating lows. As humans, we have a hard time letting go of the people we become attached to; even when it’s in our own best interest.

It started out the way any other relationship does. We met and there was an attraction, a connection, a spark. At first, I thought he was shy: a quiet, romantic, and sweet guy. He was little older and looked more mature, and he gave the appearance of a hard-working family man. I had no idea that all those first impressions were just a façade. I was young and naïve, and my pure heart always focused on the good in people.

Everything moved pretty quickly. Too quickly. Looking back, I wasn’t in a good place when we met. I was already on my own self-destructive path. And unfortunately I knew it. Still the demons within me made me go for it.

Perhaps he had been drawn to the damage in my eyes; like a moth to a flame.

I was lonely, and desperate to fill the void in my heart. I ignored all the red flags and made excuses for everything. Maybe, he was just a little broken too? Maybe, I could help him; change him, fix him? Surely my love would be enough to do that.

I gave pieces of myself away, a little at a time.

In the beginning, I was motivated by love, but in the end there was only fear. I played right into all the mind games, and allowed him to be in control.

I told myself that the extremely jealous behavior and possessiveness were signs of love. I convinced myself that if I could just prove to him that he could trust me, it would get better. Every time I gave an inch; he needed a mile. I allowed him free reign of my life. Unlimited access to my phone, email, and social media accounts. As someone who already had a tendency to self-blame, I accepted that everything was my fault. It’s hard to explain, but his manipulation had a seductive quality. He would speak softly, and hold me while he told me the things that I needed to change about myself. He was just trying to help me be a better person, he would say. I could be so amazing—if only I did this, or didn’t do that. So, I tried to be who he wanted me to be.

It was never enough. He would constantly lie to me, rob me and still make me believe he had no choice. It was a sick and twisted game; and I didn’t want to play anymore. I was emotionally exhausted, and finally ready to move on.

This is the point where things started to escalate, but I felt trapped. He attacked my relationships with family and friends; convinced me that they didn’t really care about me. He was the only one who did. By then, I had three children, whom I did not want to part with. I was isolated. No family wanted me. No one cared. No one felt what I was going through.

I felt like I was nothing.

People often only think of the physical aspect of abuse, but it’s the complete mental and emotional break down of a person that leaves the biggest scars. The endless name calling. The consistent attacks on my personality and appearance. The destruction of everything I thought I was. I was already a shadow of the person I used to be.

If he knew he went too far, he’d show up with hugs and kisses. He’d put on a big show with real tears, and beg me not to leave him. He was sorry, he would get help, he would be better. He knew just what to say. He would pull at my heartstrings, and I’d take him back. Things would be good again for a while. I’d think I was happy.

Until the next time.

I was holding onto who we were in the beginning, and constantly trying to get back to that. It never occurred to me that I loved him for who I wanted him to be, and not who he truly was. The person I thought I loved didn’t exist. Every morning, I’d wake up and wonder what he was going to get mad at me for that day. I was constantly walking around on egg shells; carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders with three souls hugging me. It got to the point where he was driving me to and from work, and would show up randomly and demand to see my phone, hack my accounts.

I couldn’t breathe.

I think I finally realized that none of this was love. How could someone hate everything about me, but claim to love me? Ultimately, it was my daughter who gave me the strength to leave.

As if sent from the heavens, I was offered a lifeline. An old flame heard me. He reached out, and slowly became my confidant. He told me all the things that I needed to hear. That I was perfect, just the way I was. That I deserved better, and that he wanted to be my angel always. He offered me safety, and helped me to escape. His love was almost enough to mend my broken spirit. Unfortunately, after what I had been through, it was all too much, too soon.

We had it in us but circumstances, commitments and liabilities made us use our brains instead of our hearts.

Found many supports, different varieties. But hurt people, hurt people.  I gave away pieces of myself, a little at a time.

I always longed for those angelic words, it still tears me up inside the way I was treated by that wonderful angel. I will forever be thankful, and I hope he knows we both are sorry for not being close to each other.

I’ll never know if I would have eventually mustered up the strength to leave on my own, but that isn’t the point. I finally left for good, and never looked back. I’ve let this experience make me better, stronger, and wiser.

I couldn’t handle the thought of my children growing up thinking that the way he treated me was okay. I needed to break the cycle—for them.

I am happy and blessed today, but the loneliness tears me inside giving away pieces of myself, a little at a time.

My New Twenties...

Somewhere in the deep I have begun to wake up from a slumber. I have begun to look at the world in new ways.

My children are now grown up adults capable enough to manage themselves.

I have begun to realize there is more to life than the chores I have been endlessly doing since early 20s. I have spent my whole life trying to give myself to something outside of myself. I have spent so much time and energy on others, trying to prove my existence, that I forgot about myself along the way.

Time for myself was not even on my radar at any point. I had to accomplish so much and I have.

So I gave. I gave more than I realized.

And I began to realize I have been giving to everyone but myself.

It is around this time that I started looking inward. I started to wonder what my passions were and what interests I had. Sure I probably took some time for things I enjoyed over the last few years—but more to escape the craziness of households than real passions that made my heart sing.

Who am I? What drives me? What makes my heart smile?—All questions have become important in my mind. I start to venture into these conversations with friends.

What I see inside myself sometimes scares me. This strong desire to become more conscious about what drives me is bigger now than I have ever allowed it to be. I also get mad at myself for allowing my passion to just sit for all these years. I also get scared at just how strong that desire is. And sometimes I have no clue at all as  what my passions were, are.

This is awakening.

People on the outside looking at me might call this a midlife crisis rather than an awakening. I myself might refer to this as a crisis and not an awakening.

A crisis is defined as an unstable or even a dangerous situation where I feel unsteady in a world that I know so well, a world where I had all the rules and schedules figured out. Then, it seems, all that changes overnight. I am awakening to these strange sensations I am experiencing. I am starting to recognize or become aware of something stirring in me. Something deep and real inside of me.

When I was going through my separation, I was told I was just having a midlife crisis. It will be fine, I was told. And they were right, because I felt anything but like I was in crisis mode. I felt alive and free for the first time in I don’t know how many years! I felt like I was waking up from some deep slumber I didn’t know I had been in. I could feel my desires and passion stretching like they had been sleeping for centuries. Reaching up and out. Flexing their muscles. Screaming at me to be heard.

This all happened around that age. So maybe that age was the new 20. Maybe it was the time in my life that I should realize that I am an important part of society—not to leave my marks, but to discover what gifts I have to offer.

I found softer ways to let society know I have something to offer:

Myself.

I may look selfish to the younger generation and my kids because I am finally taking time for me. I am no longer feeling the need to manage schedules. I am doing everything for enjoyment and not escape. I am waking to all the possibilities of what I have and who I am.

I am ready to start and live my new 20s…hic..hic..

Be the rock…..

Beaten down and exhausted. Not only physically, but mentally too. Tired of holding, not only my life together, but everyone else’s. Drained and sad because I am conditioned to stay strong.

But who do I break to? Who do I fall to? Who do I call?

I fall to myself. I turn to the only one who has stayed by my side through everything—that is the beautiful woman looking back at me in the mirror. I am my backbone. I am my strength. That’s the hardest part about being a strong woman. Everyone expects us to have our shit together.

They turn to me when their world has gone dark. And they look to me when it seems as if all hope is lost. But I must be strong. I can’t show my fear. I can’t express the scared, tired, little girl that is hiding inside me, so I suffer. All while holding the world up as if I am some type of superwoman.

I suffer because I sacrifice every ounce of my being to make sure my people are cared for—that they’re happy—that I can be who they count on. But who holds me up? Sometimes it’s all too much. Sometimes all I want to do is break down.

Well, strong woman, break down. It is okay. It is okay for you to be broken. It is perfectly acceptable to break and cry in the middle of the day. It is perfectly okay to not recognize who you are. To feel lost, to be alone, scared, and terrified. It is, simply, just okay. You are allowed to break down. You are allowed to feel the pain, and you are allowed to feel like you cannot go on another day.

Once I have shattered, once I have cried and that Chambor kajal has smudged around my dry eyes, it is time to pick myself up —because I am the strong one. I am to hold my army up. I am the one to keep moving; people look to me for my strength and hope in life. I am the rock - whether I chose to be or not. Whether I see my influence or not. I am who my people look to. My experiences may have chiselled my heart, built my walls, guarded my trust in people’s actions and words. They may have shaped my demeanour, but regardless, those experiences have allowed my people to trust in me.

People are given a personal journey in life before they are born, and mine was to be strong. I have fought battles I did not want to fight. I have sacrificed things I should not have sacrificed. And I have, unfortunately, given up parts of myself to protect my people.

But you are human, my sweet, strong woman. You are alive. And you must remind yourself that you are allowed to feel. You are allowed to fight on, but you are more than allowed to just break down. But you must keep dancing and you must keep moving along.

There are beautiful things ahead for me. There are adventures with my name on it. And there is someone waiting for me. There is someone who is ready to, finally, be my rock. They are waiting to be my strong one. Ahhhhh……

But for now, forgive yourself for carrying the weight of everyone else. Just show up for yourself. Be your own warrior. Stop searching and find it within yourself.

I do not need these humans like I need my beautiful, soulful self. But they are waiting. They are ready to be my tissue, when I cry those cries. And they are ready to be my pillow when I fall.

Life sucks sometimes. But it is also a beautiful thing, as long as I let myself see it.

Find the beauty. Find the light. And just keep moving.

Be your rock, but don’t forget to let yourself fall.

Just don’t forget about you. You beautiful, crazy, strong, sensual, caring human.

You, strong woman, are what make this life beautiful. You are what everyone needs in their life. You are the reason for the sun, the moon, and the earth. You make the wind dance and the thunder crack. You are a force to be reckoned with, and you are strong like the waves of the fiercest storm. But you are also as fragile as the wings of a butterfly. You need time to feel and be reminded that you do not need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You are human. So feel it. Let it break you. Cry. But remember to breathe. Breathe it in, and let it all go.

Just don’t forget to stand back up.

In love or loving someone…..

As people, we love to love, and yet we often do not understand what that really means.

The greatest thing is to ever learn just to love and be loved in return

Being “in love” is a feeling without the benefit of experience.

On the other hand, to love and be loved in return is all about the experience between you and that special person. They are the most special person in the world, and they light your fire. When you get into an argument, all you want to do is have that honest conversation, kiss and make-up.

You know things about this person that few people do, and you dare not share them because you understand why you’re one of the chosen few that gets them. You say things and do things on a constant basis because you think about them all the time, and you do not want what you have to end. This is love.

Love is not a feeling but instead a consistent display of actions, followed by words and experiences that two people share with each other.

They will make plans with confidence that things will go great without realizing that there is no basis for having said confidence. They have not shared enough experiences, enough heartache, enough personal reflection or time to truly know whether their feelings for that person go beyond surface attraction.

So while it may be romantic to think about love at first sight, you should think about the difference between being “in love” and loving someone and being loved in return.

Investigate your head and your heart when you find yourself gaga for someone you’ve just met. We often make decisions based on how we feel, but it is only when we feel, say and do with experience behind us that we can truly love someone.

Think about it.....

The mistakes that took years from my life, and the life from my years.....

She is stupid. She feels she is always right. She is jealous of all. She is always like this. She has never been true. She has betrayed. She is a bad person. Even, she is a characterless woman.

Are these statements really true? Have I been always stupid? Have I been always been jealous? Have I always been a bad person? Have I always been characterless? Do I not have any qualities of a good person? Have I never done any good to anyone?

I was never helped to get over it. It actually has murdered my self-esteem, and happiness is hard to come by if I am again and again made to feel shitty about myself. I wished someone to understand why I did what I did. We all love to generalize our behaviour and the behaviour of others. I would just say that whatever I have been, just think about my circumstances and what options I had available to me at the time.

I have made mistakes in my life. I have let people take advantage of me. I have accepted way less than I deserve. I have made bad choices. I have not listened to the people who advised me. I have become nothing. I have achieved nothing. I have failed in my life. I have always taken favours from all. I have pleased others and cared for others at the expense of myself. I have ruined myself totally. I have been stupid. I have screwed up my life.

I agree. I did not give heed to people, my well-wishers, who again and again told me, not to do it. I did. Always did. Feeling that I am helping, helping someone to be something. But that someone never wanted to be something. I wish I could have understood it then. Surprisingly I was blamed for his not becoming something. I still didn’t settle with it. I went a step ahead. Got ruined further. Day by day things became worse. Still I helped. Hoping one day things will be fine. One day life will be on track. I was still misunderstood. I was still taken wrong. I was always called wrong. May be doing so people shield their mistakes. However, there are some life mistakes, that if avoided in the first place, will save a whole load of heartache and misdirection.

I didn’t know how wrong my actions were. I take responsibility for making the choices I did. I want to answer to myself for the choices I made, even if I made them without fully knowing the consequences at the time. But I know I made the choices that I could with the information, resources, beliefs, and values I had at the time. Even if it was a horrible thing to do and I know it was not the right way. I still made the only choice I knew how to make under the circumstances. Who I am now is not who I was then. However, I am responsible for both. I do understand my state of being that have done things I am less proud of.

Mistakes have helped me discover who I truly am. With every mistake that I made I discovered more and more about myself, about who I am, about my limits, about my capabilities, about what I can and cannot do. They helped me be more compassionate and more tolerant with myself and others. By making mistakes I have in fact learnt valuable life lessons and have become a happy learner. Mistakes are a part of being human. They have made me human. I have learnt precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way.

I take full responsibility for what I have done. No one understood, I did have high emotions and where relations were concerned I wasn't sure enough. My insecurities and inability to effectively manage things has caused this. People were never there for me the way they should have been, the way they needed me to be there for them, for the relationship, for handling things. They must have felt so alone and so sad and so hurt. I too felt alone and sad and hurt.  But who cared. Nobody. I also understand why and how they could think I am manipulative, because I have made apologies before but I didn't hold long to the promises I made or the things I expressed in those apologies and I know that it seemed that when things were back to normal I would revert back to the actions and attitude I had before I apologized. Things never changed. I admit my mistakes but can they admit theirs, I have paid for what I've done as they have paid for theirs, so why is it like this, we can't even talk. They call me liar and say they don't care. I never meant to hurt them, never wanted to cause them any pain. I admit I made a mistake over stepping some boundaries which made me look fake. I always said I would never do the things I did,  and that is the reason it is so hard for them to forgive.

These are my words which probably don't mean a thing to anyone now, but I needed to let them know the truth about how I feel and the truth about what is and always has been. I didn't pen down all this to publicize my feelings or as I always have been taken – being manipulative or for sympathy. I have accepted the life as it is and accepted what I have and have come to terms with it.

I wish my own ones could take a long hard look at my life. I lost my way while I was fighting with the time with big black cloudy and stormy sky. Everything was so heartless, so selfish, so in dark. I have indeed come a long way, made a lot of mistakes. But I am still breathing. I have been so high, I have been so low, I got so good in taking. But today I am invincible. I have crashed into the sun and lived to fight another day. I have looked  to everyone else for the answers only I could give myself. I got told what do, how to think, what looks good, what “success” is, etc.  I let others make me feel guilty for living my life.  As long as I am not hurting anyone else, I want to keep living my life,  my way.  Sometimes I got lost in trying to live for someone else, trying to meet their expectations, and doing things just to impress them, make them happy.   I allowed these people to get the best of me.

I have made so many mistakes in my life, I’ve lost count. I’ve cried so many times, I’m amazed I have any tears left. I’ve picked myself up from rock bottom on so many occasions, that I’ve gotten rather good now at getting on with life when the shit hits the fan or when things go horribly wrong. Sure there are things I’m embarrassed about and even a few things I’m ashamed of, but I have no regrets. Every mistake truly has been a lesson. If I’d had any sense though, I’d have listened and paid attention. That would have been the smart thing to do. I have learnt that people can change but we cannot change them, no matter how much we want to. Our worth does not and cannot come from other people. From what they think about us or how they behave towards us. It has to come from us. I used to think that the kinder I was, the more I gave, the harder I tried, the more people would love and appreciate me. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Because nothing changed and all that happened was that I ended up losing myself, my dignity and their respect in the process. People show us who they are, all of the time, through their actions and their words. The signs, the red flags, the flashing lights are all there for us to see if we pay attention, which is why choosing to ignore them and continually putting blind faith and hope in someone, is really rather stupid. Some people will love you. A handful would probably even die for you. But many others won’t and certainly wouldn’t. It’s a heavy weight to bear when you’re carrying other people’s burdens and expectations. When you feel like someone else’s happiness is your responsibility.

The mistakes that took years from my life, and the life from my years...........                                                                               

Come what may..............

The little things you do make me feel good, make me smile.  The little  and less serious things we share, laugh at  -  make us related. I don’t call it a relationship, I prefer to call it relatedness. Relationships often become bondage which are not enjoyed. Relationships become duty, and duty is a four letter ugly word. It means you are on duty and you have to do it. Relatedness is not something that you do, it is something that happens. Relationships make us a drag, a martyr, reduces us to a commodity and it ends up using one another. How can being used make anyone happy? Then we take relationship to a new step – business, where there is give and take. Relationship means bondage, relatedness means freedom. Relatedness makes just two best friends, without legal bond, joyful living, without possessiveness, no exclusiveness, no jealousy.

How many of us crave for that touch? I don’t mean a massage, I don’t mean physical contact, I don’t meant sexual contact, I just mean a loving touch, A kind of touch that touches our soul. A kind of touch when we are fully present in that moment. A kind of touch that expands our cells in our bodies. A kind of touch that transmits energy. A touch that relaxes out mind and body. A touch that connects. A touch that comforts. A touch that brings a sense of trust. A touch that is a pleasure. A touch that spins a silky web to be cocooned for days. A touch that communicates through the cells. A touch we all ache for to remove all aches. The way a mother touches her baby for the first time – the purest form of touch. 

I just want to be a friend, the friend you can turn to when you need one, I want to be the mother you can talk to when something is bothering you. The incapability and my failures often threaten my sleep. I wonder if ever I can really be the person I had ever aimed to be. Next moment I feel it’s OK, even in those moments when I couldn't make it, I have always put in my best. I am not perfect but my intent is love, it has been love always. Even when I have been hurt badly and brutally. Every day I have thought that tomorrow is another day and I will do my best to be what I aim for. 

Why is a small meeting with some a connection forever? Why is it at the level of the soul? With some we share almost a lifetime, still remain unconnected and with some just few meetings and we are connected forever. There are people who live their whole lives together, yet they cannot explain what they desire of one another. Some people collect rare coins, stamps or so many things….I have collected people. People of all types, young and old, rich and poor, man and woman. I have treasured people, kept them safely in my pocket and protected them, accepted them completely, felt them beautifully, longed to keep them forever. People come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime. I am not good at letting people go, whom I have treasured so much, even when it is the best option. Even though I understand that not everyone we meet is destined to be in our lives forever. Logically I understand but Emotionally it hurts like hell.

With few, a very few it has been intense. I wept, yelled, behaved badly. Pain made me do. There is such an impact on my life that I struggle to imagine what shape I will be in.

Some came to my life when I was struggling, like an angel, they shared the heavy load that weighed me down, they wiped my tears, soothed back my hair and let me know that everything would be OK, someday.

Some came to teach me about myself, about who I really am. They showed me how to be strong, how to embrace challenges. They gave me piece of themselves to forever reflect within me. They left their footprints on my soul to cherish.

Every time we let go, we make space for new and beautiful things to enter our lives. One door closes, and another is waiting to show us to fresh marvels, if we are brave enough to open it.

I finally understood that this is the true nature of this connection. We can't be together but we'll never be completely apart.

I am learning to hold on with gratitude to all that I learn from them, to cherish the time that we shared and to let them go if the time is right, without regret. I realize now that we must love with abandon, giving our hearts fully and freely, even knowing that one day it might hurt us badly. These people have not been romantic, there has been no love story, but there has been a deep connection. A connection in which we do not run, hide or blame, instead pause, reflect and talk. These connections my seem mysterious to outsiders. Some perceive them  to be vulgar as they view it through the lens of superficial societal criteria.

We all arrived here through different roads, different highways and different dirt paths. Some of us are bruised. Some of us are spotless. How we got here doesn't matter—only how we’re connected.

I have decided to bravely put love on the back burner. I know one day my beautiful children will share the same clusters of freckles on their noses. I know there will come a time when I will look into their eyes and see a reflection of my dreams.

I never for a second doubt that I deserve all this. But I know that now is not that time, and I accept it with grace and patience.

I am in a constant state of motion, dedicating every day to myself and the goals my soul aches for.

Solitude can get deafening sometimes, but self-sufficiency is a trait even warriors have trouble mastering. I am my own commander, fighting frostbite, fidgeting in my mittens. Never apologize for the fires I light. I carry my flag with my children and know I will never be alone.

Beside me stand my children marching to the same heartbeat, carrying the same promises throughout their days, who never would need anyone to tell them what they should have, or who they should need.

Whatever it is that ties us, it isn't enough to overcome the obstacles that stand in the path of us being together. For better or worse, we will always be drawn to each other—just not in a traditional way.

It’s how we transform and grow as human beings.

If you've never had your heart broken open by loss and despair, if you've never truly been in pain, if you haven’t walked through the fire and back… You haven’t truly lived.

When we go through heartache we start to feel so much that the limitations of our hearts simply can’t take it anymore. And suddenly… It cracks open.

Sometimes we can even feel it happening inside of our chest. Our hearts may feel that they have burst, and the overwhelming pain that follows could be too much to bear but it never is. The universe never gives us anything that we cannot handle. The thing is, through these cracks, light begins to seep in. Little by little light fills your heart and your heart will start to grow. You realize that your heart is fragile for a reason: it needs to break from time to time so it can grow and we can learn how to love even harder.

We all walk this earth with giant hearts inside of our chests and we all feel so much. We are not alone and our broken hearts, they know this. Light fills us until it overflows and others can feel it, too.

Tragedy makes us warriors. Light bearers. We light up the path for others and together, we stop fumbling through the darkness and start remembering what it truly means to be alive.

Life is a gift, and this pain… It’s all for something. It’s all for something.

Life has taught me to be wild and free. To reflect on all that my heart can possibly feel. I need not fret on my mistakes. I need to forgive myself and proceed on with my journey. Forgive others and allow them to continue on their journey. What is done is done. It is a new day. And believe in mantra – come what may…there is no running from what we are, who we are and where we are.