No more a dumpyard.....

 

I am a very basic, simple person at heart. If I like you, I like you a lot. And if I don’t like you, then I absolutely don’t like you. So it should make my life simple and transparent. But that’s not the case. Things always mess up. And I am not saying that it’s always their fault. It has been my fault too. 

I just think no one understands me. Some try, but they fail. Maybe, they go by my image or the things I say in fun. Maybe, I feel too much. And people don’t do that anymore. They want to touch the water. But they are scared to dive deep into the water. And I am ocean deep. I keep most people at hi-hello. But when I make you my person, I want it to be pure and real. 

Are you getting me?

It’s not only about a relationship. Even in friendship, I want it to be genuine and heartfelt. I value the time I give to someone. I value when I call you my own person. It matters to me what you have said to me. I take most things casually. But if I am serious about you, then you have to show the same level of commitment and priority. Otherwise, things pinch me right in the heart. And I can’t pretend to be fine. It will show. It will show on my face and in my words. And you won’t even find that thing significant for it to matter. But they matter to me. The little things mess up my head big time.

I show as if I am the coolest and most savage soul in town. But the truth is that I am very tender in my heart. I get attached too much. I get too much involved. I fill my head with our imaginary scenarios. I imagine. I plan. I dream. I expect. And that’s how I create my own disappointment in people. I expect you to mean your words and not change with time. But people don’t understand that. They start to judge me as a problematic person. They think I overthink. They think I overreact. But they never notice that I over-gave, that I over-cared, and that I over-loved too. They fail to see my rainbow. They just complain about the storm. 

They just see the water. They don’t feel its depth. And I think that’s what I will always be, an ocean too deep for them to ever understand.

In my past, I was very different person. I was not what I am today.

Once I started loving someone, I didn’t know how to unlove. they slowly become such an important part of my life that they become a habit. Even when they hurt me, I felt like I can’t live without them, and so I tried to justify the pain. I tried to reason out their actions because I knew it – life without them is unimaginable.

The number of times they cancelled plans made with me or were not around when I really needed them to be there for me is uncountable. the time when they broke my heart, I still believed that there is a good side to them. it was really hard not to.

When I used to be madly in love with someone, I didn’t know how to love myself without them. I gave them so many chances, much more than they deserved. All of it, because I knew that no matter what they do, I would still love them. I would always love them.

I cannot ignore it anymore. I don’t want to be the one when you don’t have anyone else around you.

I always want to be valued as a friend. it hurts to feel this way, but now i have started to feel like I am some dump yard to everyone’s boredom. as if I exist for them only when they are out of options and to help when in need.

One of the worst kinds of feelings is the feeling of being used. and I am sorry, but that is what I feel a lot. I am always the one apologizing for acknowledging my worth. And so many people out there are like me. we are kind. and we are just too kind to turn our backs.

But I guess there’s a threshold even for the softest of hearts. i am too tired now. I am too tired of being backpack to happiness. I am too tired of going to bed every day feeling so alone.

No one asks me how I am. No one checks up on me without reason. No one ever made me feel like they are there when I wanted somebody, too.