If wishes were horses........

Relationships are both complicated and simple. Complicated, because we don’t live in a vacuum. There are a million things that affect us. So things do get messy. And it’s perfectly normal in a relationship to have fights and feel sad and angry. Because nothing is perfect. But still, most of us reach a stage where it’s not just a small fight or misunderstanding. It’s big, and it’s consistent. You have tried to sort it out, but it’s still eating away your peace and joy. Make it loud and clear. Don’t burn inside all alone, all hurt, and all helpless. You must tell what exactly is bothering you, every single, minute thing, even embarrassing, even the stupidest thing. Just pinpoint everything. Write the things down if you can’t say them on face. This will set you free.

Average human lifespan is 75 years. that's 900 months. And even in those 900 months, we spend so much time doing things we don't want to do. We spend so much time pleasing people we don't even like. We spend our time filling rows of excel sheets or writing thousands of lines of code.

So when you turn 75, and your knees feel weak, and your mind feels slow - all you will have is regrets. the regrets of the things that you could've done in those 900 months. Trips you could've gone on in those 900 months. 900 wishes that you could've fulfilled that are still on your wishlist.

We keep chasing happiness in things that aren't even real. We get so lost in chasing these things that we forgot about the real happiness. The happiness of falling in love, the happiness of making someone smile, or the happiness of just sitting with your love in the balcony and talking the entire night.

We get so caught in the life between Monday to Friday or 9 am to 5 pm, that we forget to love ourselves on those Saturday mornings. We get so tired of the schedule and the deadlines that we forget about the biggest deadline there is - the deadline of your life.

Learn to forgive. Learn to live. Learn to laugh alone, and with your loved ones because when you are weak and alone at 75 these memories will be the only thing that will give you the strength to stay alive.

I have felt many things about love. From wanting love to hating love, I have lived through many phases. I have smiled in love. I have cried in love. And somewhere along, I grew up. I grew up in my soul. Maybe, I understand love better now. I understand myself better now. So I do know how I want to love next, maybe for the final time. We try to play cool and cold. “I don’t want to be in love,” we declare. But secretly, somewhere in that little corner of your heart, you do want to find a special person and fall in love. I am brave enough here to openly say that I do think about finding the love of my life and how that love story will be.

I absolutely don’t want a normal love story. No. I don’t want to evaluate a person before I fall in love. I don’t want to tick the usual checklist of this tall, this educated, this rich, or from that family. No. I want to fall in love without all this practical and societal nonsense. I want to fall in love with his eyes. Like one look, and sold. Boom! I know it sounds stupid. But love is stupid. Real love is stupid. Real love is for crazy. I want to fall in love for one reason alone. And that reason will be love.

And then, I don’t want to live like friends. No. I have friends. I don’t want another friend. I want passion. I want heightened emotions. I want the fire. I want us to stay in love, mad, passionate love. There should be romance. There should be impulsiveness. There should be that longing. There should be that tickling feeling of the first kiss, daily. I know you will say the excitement fades away. But no, your love fades away. And that’s ordinary love that fades away. That’s why I said I want special love.

Beyond that, I have thought of a million things. But that’s not important. Just love is important, mad, passionate, real love. Everything else will work out, I know. People say adjustment and forgiveness keep a relationship alive. Bullshit. Only love keeps a relationship alive, real, passionate, pure love. I want that.

The stupidest thing people do in love is to believe that it will last forever. We should expect breakups. I am just saying that don’t be God. You don’t know what will happen. You don’t know what’s written in destiny. The only thing you know is that you have this moment. And in this moment, you are with the person you love. And that should be your goal. To live every moment. To live in the present. And to love as if there is no tomorrow. Sounds too filmy, not practical? It’s filmy. It’s not that practical. And it’s very rare. But that’s exactly why so few people are happy. Happiness is rare, my friend. Pick anyone around you, and that person will have a sorry love story to tell you. One thing will be common in all those heart-aching tales: “How can that person leave me, how?”

That’s how things roll here. People change. Things change. Feelings change. True love never changes. But how many get true love? One out of hundred, at very best. So, sweetheart, chances are that the love you are in right now will most probably not last forever. just go with the flow. Just love freely. Don’t put the baggage of forever on your love life. You two might be good people at heart. You two might even want to be together forever. The chances are that you two will drift apart. How? Life happens. Love is rare. Need is common. We need another hand to hold. We need someone to call our own. We need a name after that “I love you.” We need a body to hug. We need lips to kiss. We need flesh to make love. That need is the naked truth that we push under the carpet. We talk about heart instead. We talk about souls.

The harsh truth is people can fall out of love. And it's okay. Love is not a prison of forever. They think that they can't unlove. But eventually, they all do. Some, listen to their own heart. Some listen to others' sorry.

People with soft hearts suffer from their mistakes and from the mistakes of others. Since they feel too much, there is always that extra pain in the heart and that extra time to heal. And the worst thing is that they adjust too much. First, they will adjust and give more time and care to others. And then, they will adjust and ignore their career because they feel so heartbroken when that person leaves. So it’s like suffering twice with every person they allow close. It’s such a simple, naked fact. But nice people don’t realize it until they suffer too much and too many times. They keep collecting scars and keep smiling. They trust again after getting betrayed once again. They do it because they still want to be a good person. They don’t want to give up on hope and goodness. But there comes a truth slap with time that breaks them to a point of no return. The soul finally screams “enough is enough.” And in that moment of truth, they decide to change. 

Most people give up again after a while, going back to what they always were. But some people change. They become more practical. They learn to say no. They learn to keep their emotional distance. They learn to love themselves more. They learn to make their career and dreams the priority. And most importantly, they learn to smile when others call them selfish and rude. They grow up. They might not be the most liked person now. But they are much happier. And there is peace.

 So I want to become those few people who end up changing after those night tears and muted screams. We, humans, are complicated. And relationships are even more complicated. We end up hurting even the people we love and care for. You can’t change this. You can't have it perfect. But you can change yourself and become stronger in your mind. You don’t have to feel guilty for not making everyone happy. Stop trying that. Just live for happiness and peace. Let people stay if they are adding to that. And let people go if they are stealing that from you. Keep life simple.

 

No more a dumpyard.....

 

I am a very basic, simple person at heart. If I like you, I like you a lot. And if I don’t like you, then I absolutely don’t like you. So it should make my life simple and transparent. But that’s not the case. Things always mess up. And I am not saying that it’s always their fault. It has been my fault too. 

I just think no one understands me. Some try, but they fail. Maybe, they go by my image or the things I say in fun. Maybe, I feel too much. And people don’t do that anymore. They want to touch the water. But they are scared to dive deep into the water. And I am ocean deep. I keep most people at hi-hello. But when I make you my person, I want it to be pure and real. 

Are you getting me?

It’s not only about a relationship. Even in friendship, I want it to be genuine and heartfelt. I value the time I give to someone. I value when I call you my own person. It matters to me what you have said to me. I take most things casually. But if I am serious about you, then you have to show the same level of commitment and priority. Otherwise, things pinch me right in the heart. And I can’t pretend to be fine. It will show. It will show on my face and in my words. And you won’t even find that thing significant for it to matter. But they matter to me. The little things mess up my head big time.

I show as if I am the coolest and most savage soul in town. But the truth is that I am very tender in my heart. I get attached too much. I get too much involved. I fill my head with our imaginary scenarios. I imagine. I plan. I dream. I expect. And that’s how I create my own disappointment in people. I expect you to mean your words and not change with time. But people don’t understand that. They start to judge me as a problematic person. They think I overthink. They think I overreact. But they never notice that I over-gave, that I over-cared, and that I over-loved too. They fail to see my rainbow. They just complain about the storm. 

They just see the water. They don’t feel its depth. And I think that’s what I will always be, an ocean too deep for them to ever understand.

In my past, I was very different person. I was not what I am today.

Once I started loving someone, I didn’t know how to unlove. they slowly become such an important part of my life that they become a habit. Even when they hurt me, I felt like I can’t live without them, and so I tried to justify the pain. I tried to reason out their actions because I knew it – life without them is unimaginable.

The number of times they cancelled plans made with me or were not around when I really needed them to be there for me is uncountable. the time when they broke my heart, I still believed that there is a good side to them. it was really hard not to.

When I used to be madly in love with someone, I didn’t know how to love myself without them. I gave them so many chances, much more than they deserved. All of it, because I knew that no matter what they do, I would still love them. I would always love them.

I cannot ignore it anymore. I don’t want to be the one when you don’t have anyone else around you.

I always want to be valued as a friend. it hurts to feel this way, but now i have started to feel like I am some dump yard to everyone’s boredom. as if I exist for them only when they are out of options and to help when in need.

One of the worst kinds of feelings is the feeling of being used. and I am sorry, but that is what I feel a lot. I am always the one apologizing for acknowledging my worth. And so many people out there are like me. we are kind. and we are just too kind to turn our backs.

But I guess there’s a threshold even for the softest of hearts. i am too tired now. I am too tired of being backpack to happiness. I am too tired of going to bed every day feeling so alone.

No one asks me how I am. No one checks up on me without reason. No one ever made me feel like they are there when I wanted somebody, too.

Kya yahi pyaar hai.......

 

Sometimes it was only meant to share a moment of time with each other. Sometimes friendships and relationships are not built to last forever, they are built to teach you a lesson. Maybe both needed to learn something from each other that no one else in the world could teach you at that time. 

Maybe both were perfect for getting each other through a terrible storm together. In life, we fall out with people that we never thought we would. Get betrayed by people you trusted with all of your heart. And get used by people you would do anything for. 

But life also has a beautiful side to it. You will get loved by someone you never thought you would have. on most days, our phone calls have uncomfortable silences and we don’t open up. and then, there are days we don’t disconnect the call until it’s 3 am.

I put myself first, sometimes. I bail out of plans when I don’t feel like going. I cancel dates at the last minute. I walk out of the room when I have an argument. I am not easy to love.

I have my flaws. I trust too often. I love too hard. I find it hard to let go. it’s not easy with me. Little things hurt me. I tell the wrong people my secrets. these are my little imperfections.

But it’s okay. sometimes, I don’t have to apologize for being myself, for being someone who is not good with people.

I just don’t have to be too hard on myself. I am not perfect. I am imperfect and so is everyone else. All humans are imperfect.

Shut up about this “love only happens once” nonsense. Love is about happiness and peace. It’s a feeling of being at home with a person. If you don’t feel peace and happiness, it’s over. It’s approved by God. It’s perfectly moral. 

You are still a perfectly wonderful human being, no guilt. 

Big Hug.