The mistakes that took years from my life, and the life from my years.....

She is stupid. She feels she is always right. She is jealous of all. She is always like this. She has never been true. She has betrayed. She is a bad person. Even, she is a characterless woman.

Are these statements really true? Have I been always stupid? Have I been always been jealous? Have I always been a bad person? Have I always been characterless? Do I not have any qualities of a good person? Have I never done any good to anyone?

I was never helped to get over it. It actually has murdered my self-esteem, and happiness is hard to come by if I am again and again made to feel shitty about myself. I wished someone to understand why I did what I did. We all love to generalize our behaviour and the behaviour of others. I would just say that whatever I have been, just think about my circumstances and what options I had available to me at the time.

I have made mistakes in my life. I have let people take advantage of me. I have accepted way less than I deserve. I have made bad choices. I have not listened to the people who advised me. I have become nothing. I have achieved nothing. I have failed in my life. I have always taken favours from all. I have pleased others and cared for others at the expense of myself. I have ruined myself totally. I have been stupid. I have screwed up my life.

I agree. I did not give heed to people, my well-wishers, who again and again told me, not to do it. I did. Always did. Feeling that I am helping, helping someone to be something. But that someone never wanted to be something. I wish I could have understood it then. Surprisingly I was blamed for his not becoming something. I still didn’t settle with it. I went a step ahead. Got ruined further. Day by day things became worse. Still I helped. Hoping one day things will be fine. One day life will be on track. I was still misunderstood. I was still taken wrong. I was always called wrong. May be doing so people shield their mistakes. However, there are some life mistakes, that if avoided in the first place, will save a whole load of heartache and misdirection.

I didn’t know how wrong my actions were. I take responsibility for making the choices I did. I want to answer to myself for the choices I made, even if I made them without fully knowing the consequences at the time. But I know I made the choices that I could with the information, resources, beliefs, and values I had at the time. Even if it was a horrible thing to do and I know it was not the right way. I still made the only choice I knew how to make under the circumstances. Who I am now is not who I was then. However, I am responsible for both. I do understand my state of being that have done things I am less proud of.

Mistakes have helped me discover who I truly am. With every mistake that I made I discovered more and more about myself, about who I am, about my limits, about my capabilities, about what I can and cannot do. They helped me be more compassionate and more tolerant with myself and others. By making mistakes I have in fact learnt valuable life lessons and have become a happy learner. Mistakes are a part of being human. They have made me human. I have learnt precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way.

I take full responsibility for what I have done. No one understood, I did have high emotions and where relations were concerned I wasn't sure enough. My insecurities and inability to effectively manage things has caused this. People were never there for me the way they should have been, the way they needed me to be there for them, for the relationship, for handling things. They must have felt so alone and so sad and so hurt. I too felt alone and sad and hurt.  But who cared. Nobody. I also understand why and how they could think I am manipulative, because I have made apologies before but I didn't hold long to the promises I made or the things I expressed in those apologies and I know that it seemed that when things were back to normal I would revert back to the actions and attitude I had before I apologized. Things never changed. I admit my mistakes but can they admit theirs, I have paid for what I've done as they have paid for theirs, so why is it like this, we can't even talk. They call me liar and say they don't care. I never meant to hurt them, never wanted to cause them any pain. I admit I made a mistake over stepping some boundaries which made me look fake. I always said I would never do the things I did,  and that is the reason it is so hard for them to forgive.

These are my words which probably don't mean a thing to anyone now, but I needed to let them know the truth about how I feel and the truth about what is and always has been. I didn't pen down all this to publicize my feelings or as I always have been taken – being manipulative or for sympathy. I have accepted the life as it is and accepted what I have and have come to terms with it.

I wish my own ones could take a long hard look at my life. I lost my way while I was fighting with the time with big black cloudy and stormy sky. Everything was so heartless, so selfish, so in dark. I have indeed come a long way, made a lot of mistakes. But I am still breathing. I have been so high, I have been so low, I got so good in taking. But today I am invincible. I have crashed into the sun and lived to fight another day. I have looked  to everyone else for the answers only I could give myself. I got told what do, how to think, what looks good, what “success” is, etc.  I let others make me feel guilty for living my life.  As long as I am not hurting anyone else, I want to keep living my life,  my way.  Sometimes I got lost in trying to live for someone else, trying to meet their expectations, and doing things just to impress them, make them happy.   I allowed these people to get the best of me.

I have made so many mistakes in my life, I’ve lost count. I’ve cried so many times, I’m amazed I have any tears left. I’ve picked myself up from rock bottom on so many occasions, that I’ve gotten rather good now at getting on with life when the shit hits the fan or when things go horribly wrong. Sure there are things I’m embarrassed about and even a few things I’m ashamed of, but I have no regrets. Every mistake truly has been a lesson. If I’d had any sense though, I’d have listened and paid attention. That would have been the smart thing to do. I have learnt that people can change but we cannot change them, no matter how much we want to. Our worth does not and cannot come from other people. From what they think about us or how they behave towards us. It has to come from us. I used to think that the kinder I was, the more I gave, the harder I tried, the more people would love and appreciate me. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Because nothing changed and all that happened was that I ended up losing myself, my dignity and their respect in the process. People show us who they are, all of the time, through their actions and their words. The signs, the red flags, the flashing lights are all there for us to see if we pay attention, which is why choosing to ignore them and continually putting blind faith and hope in someone, is really rather stupid. Some people will love you. A handful would probably even die for you. But many others won’t and certainly wouldn’t. It’s a heavy weight to bear when you’re carrying other people’s burdens and expectations. When you feel like someone else’s happiness is your responsibility.

The mistakes that took years from my life, and the life from my years...........                                                                               

Come what may..............

The little things you do make me feel good, make me smile.  The little  and less serious things we share, laugh at  -  make us related. I don’t call it a relationship, I prefer to call it relatedness. Relationships often become bondage which are not enjoyed. Relationships become duty, and duty is a four letter ugly word. It means you are on duty and you have to do it. Relatedness is not something that you do, it is something that happens. Relationships make us a drag, a martyr, reduces us to a commodity and it ends up using one another. How can being used make anyone happy? Then we take relationship to a new step – business, where there is give and take. Relationship means bondage, relatedness means freedom. Relatedness makes just two best friends, without legal bond, joyful living, without possessiveness, no exclusiveness, no jealousy.

How many of us crave for that touch? I don’t mean a massage, I don’t mean physical contact, I don’t meant sexual contact, I just mean a loving touch, A kind of touch that touches our soul. A kind of touch when we are fully present in that moment. A kind of touch that expands our cells in our bodies. A kind of touch that transmits energy. A touch that relaxes out mind and body. A touch that connects. A touch that comforts. A touch that brings a sense of trust. A touch that is a pleasure. A touch that spins a silky web to be cocooned for days. A touch that communicates through the cells. A touch we all ache for to remove all aches. The way a mother touches her baby for the first time – the purest form of touch. 

I just want to be a friend, the friend you can turn to when you need one, I want to be the mother you can talk to when something is bothering you. The incapability and my failures often threaten my sleep. I wonder if ever I can really be the person I had ever aimed to be. Next moment I feel it’s OK, even in those moments when I couldn't make it, I have always put in my best. I am not perfect but my intent is love, it has been love always. Even when I have been hurt badly and brutally. Every day I have thought that tomorrow is another day and I will do my best to be what I aim for. 

Why is a small meeting with some a connection forever? Why is it at the level of the soul? With some we share almost a lifetime, still remain unconnected and with some just few meetings and we are connected forever. There are people who live their whole lives together, yet they cannot explain what they desire of one another. Some people collect rare coins, stamps or so many things….I have collected people. People of all types, young and old, rich and poor, man and woman. I have treasured people, kept them safely in my pocket and protected them, accepted them completely, felt them beautifully, longed to keep them forever. People come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime. I am not good at letting people go, whom I have treasured so much, even when it is the best option. Even though I understand that not everyone we meet is destined to be in our lives forever. Logically I understand but Emotionally it hurts like hell.

With few, a very few it has been intense. I wept, yelled, behaved badly. Pain made me do. There is such an impact on my life that I struggle to imagine what shape I will be in.

Some came to my life when I was struggling, like an angel, they shared the heavy load that weighed me down, they wiped my tears, soothed back my hair and let me know that everything would be OK, someday.

Some came to teach me about myself, about who I really am. They showed me how to be strong, how to embrace challenges. They gave me piece of themselves to forever reflect within me. They left their footprints on my soul to cherish.

Every time we let go, we make space for new and beautiful things to enter our lives. One door closes, and another is waiting to show us to fresh marvels, if we are brave enough to open it.

I finally understood that this is the true nature of this connection. We can't be together but we'll never be completely apart.

I am learning to hold on with gratitude to all that I learn from them, to cherish the time that we shared and to let them go if the time is right, without regret. I realize now that we must love with abandon, giving our hearts fully and freely, even knowing that one day it might hurt us badly. These people have not been romantic, there has been no love story, but there has been a deep connection. A connection in which we do not run, hide or blame, instead pause, reflect and talk. These connections my seem mysterious to outsiders. Some perceive them  to be vulgar as they view it through the lens of superficial societal criteria.

We all arrived here through different roads, different highways and different dirt paths. Some of us are bruised. Some of us are spotless. How we got here doesn't matter—only how we’re connected.

I have decided to bravely put love on the back burner. I know one day my beautiful children will share the same clusters of freckles on their noses. I know there will come a time when I will look into their eyes and see a reflection of my dreams.

I never for a second doubt that I deserve all this. But I know that now is not that time, and I accept it with grace and patience.

I am in a constant state of motion, dedicating every day to myself and the goals my soul aches for.

Solitude can get deafening sometimes, but self-sufficiency is a trait even warriors have trouble mastering. I am my own commander, fighting frostbite, fidgeting in my mittens. Never apologize for the fires I light. I carry my flag with my children and know I will never be alone.

Beside me stand my children marching to the same heartbeat, carrying the same promises throughout their days, who never would need anyone to tell them what they should have, or who they should need.

Whatever it is that ties us, it isn't enough to overcome the obstacles that stand in the path of us being together. For better or worse, we will always be drawn to each other—just not in a traditional way.

It’s how we transform and grow as human beings.

If you've never had your heart broken open by loss and despair, if you've never truly been in pain, if you haven’t walked through the fire and back… You haven’t truly lived.

When we go through heartache we start to feel so much that the limitations of our hearts simply can’t take it anymore. And suddenly… It cracks open.

Sometimes we can even feel it happening inside of our chest. Our hearts may feel that they have burst, and the overwhelming pain that follows could be too much to bear but it never is. The universe never gives us anything that we cannot handle. The thing is, through these cracks, light begins to seep in. Little by little light fills your heart and your heart will start to grow. You realize that your heart is fragile for a reason: it needs to break from time to time so it can grow and we can learn how to love even harder.

We all walk this earth with giant hearts inside of our chests and we all feel so much. We are not alone and our broken hearts, they know this. Light fills us until it overflows and others can feel it, too.

Tragedy makes us warriors. Light bearers. We light up the path for others and together, we stop fumbling through the darkness and start remembering what it truly means to be alive.

Life is a gift, and this pain… It’s all for something. It’s all for something.

Life has taught me to be wild and free. To reflect on all that my heart can possibly feel. I need not fret on my mistakes. I need to forgive myself and proceed on with my journey. Forgive others and allow them to continue on their journey. What is done is done. It is a new day. And believe in mantra – come what may…there is no running from what we are, who we are and where we are.