It is true - I am not a victim but a Volunteer.
Yes, No one is to be blamed. It is all my fault. I’m going to say it. I am at fault because I picked him
myself.
Rather than a victim, I've been a volunteer.
My 20′s and 30′s were spent having friendship with wonderful
men that I remain friends with some, to this day, yet I had a terrible
relationship. I realize now that a traumatic event altered my self-esteem
and that is when I stopped listening to my inner knowing.
Since that time, I’ve come to the very clear conclusion that
I as a woman picked bad men because I didn’t validate my own knowing.
It is true I appeared to be bold, strong, tom-boyish but
psychologically I had been weak, scared, unheard, called names; which made me
stammer.
By validate, I mean listen to that inner voice that “knows”
something isn’t right. I grew up in a tumultuous childhood I was unheard
and invalidated. I grew up wanting that validation from the world around
me and because I never experienced it in my past, I never developed the
self-validation reflex.
What does this mean? It means I am vulnerable to men that
lay it on thick in the beginning. I let myself be put on a pedestal and
lavished with false love. This false love may feel validating, but it’s truly
not.
I ignored the signs of trouble because I am enjoying someone
outside of myself lavishing me with courtship and romance. I don’t
authenticate the inner knowing of “uh oh something’s wrong here”, and
instead continued to look for validation that I am okay by forcing an unhealthy
relationship to work.
When things went wrong and it blew up in my face, I still
continued to plough ahead and “make things work”. Trying over and over to
fix it, make it work, figure it out? Sure relationships are hard
and communication is tricky, all good things require some degree of work; but a
dysfunctional relationship has big warning signs early on.
If I had been a woman that grew up being legitimized and
trusting her own guidance, I would have run when true dysfunction arose.
On the flip side, I had been a woman that grew up in a
difficult childhood, I tried to make it work at all costs and continued
to seek validation outside of myself from my partner. The good times were
so good that they fed that empty space inside of me and I ignored the
warnings in my belly.
Lack of personal validation cause women to justify their
partner’s poor behaviors, while healthy self-validation skills acknowledge the
concerns.
When a woman trusts herself and truly provides her own
validation, she stops making poor choices. She trusts her inner knowing
and stops picking bad men for relationship.
When a woman recognizes that the highs of early romance are
feeding that empty part inside that wants to be validated and finally stop
ignoring the telling signs of dysfunction, she can start to choose healthy
partners.
It’s time we realize that we've not been victims, we've been
volunteers.
Today, I mother a girl and I in no way want her to have a
dysfunctional childhood. I want her to be strong enough and strive to provide
her a ground to trust herself and will support her in every way I should be, in
every way I should have wanted my childhood to be.
