I am not a Victim but a Volunteer...

It is true - I am not a victim but a Volunteer.

Yes, No one is to be blamed. It is all my fault. I’m going to say it. I am at fault because I picked him myself.

Rather than  a victim, I've been a volunteer.

My 20′s and 30′s were spent having friendship with wonderful men that I remain friends with some, to this day, yet I had a terrible relationship.  I realize now that a traumatic event altered my self-esteem and that is when I stopped listening to my inner knowing.

Since that time, I’ve come to the very clear conclusion that I as a woman picked bad men because I didn’t validate my own knowing.

It is true I appeared to be bold, strong, tom-boyish but psychologically I had been weak, scared, unheard, called names; which made me stammer.

By validate, I mean listen to that inner voice that “knows” something isn’t right.  I grew up in a tumultuous childhood I was unheard and invalidated.  I grew up wanting that validation from the world around me and because I never experienced it in my past, I never developed the self-validation reflex.

What does this mean? It means I am vulnerable to men that lay it on thick in the beginning.  I let myself be put on a pedestal and lavished with false love. This false love may feel validating, but it’s truly not.

I ignored the signs of trouble because I am enjoying someone outside of myself lavishing me with courtship and romance.  I don’t authenticate the inner knowing of “uh oh something’s wrong here”, and  instead continued to look for validation that I am okay by forcing an unhealthy relationship to work.

When things went wrong and it blew up in my face, I still continued to plough ahead and “make things work”.  Trying over and over to fix it, make it work, figure it out?   Sure relationships are hard and communication is tricky, all good things require some degree of work; but a dysfunctional relationship has big warning signs early on.

If I had been a woman that grew up being legitimized and trusting her own guidance, I would have run when true dysfunction arose.

On the flip side, I had been a woman that grew up in a difficult childhood,  I tried to make it work at all costs and continued to seek validation outside of myself from my partner. The good times were  so good that they fed that empty space inside of me and I ignored the warnings in my belly. 

Lack of personal validation cause women to justify their partner’s poor behaviors, while healthy self-validation skills acknowledge the concerns.

When a woman trusts herself and truly provides her own validation, she stops making poor choices.  She trusts her inner knowing and stops picking bad men for relationship.

When a woman recognizes that the highs of early romance are feeding that empty part inside that wants to be validated and finally stop ignoring the telling signs of dysfunction, she can start to choose healthy partners.

It’s time we realize that we've not been victims, we've been volunteers.

Today, I mother a girl and I in no way want her to have a dysfunctional childhood. I want her to be strong enough and strive to provide her a ground to trust herself and will support her in every way I should be, in every way I should have wanted my childhood to be.

I Love You

I am tired. I am fed up.

I am a person who has been through ups and downs of life and have taken lot of wrong turns till now.

I am broken, full of holes and worries, fears and needs.

I long for the magician who can transform me in to the woman with no needs. Till then I will remain the woman that causes you pain by being hurt myself.

My wounds drag you down and destroy your peace. And I never would want that. I do not do all this intentionally. I simply find it unbearable to hide the parts of me you would rather not like to see.

A better woman perhaps could release her needs to nurture yours. But I am yet to become that woman.

From the outside, I may look like any other woman but inside my  mind and heart is totally different.

I still don’t understand my fate, but I do understand my needs as a woman and mother.

I have been lonely for a very long time. I never had the opportunity to share my thoughts or feelings with anyone for years. Though I have plenty of friends. Friends who hardly bother in reality. Every moment I pull their strings, build bridges to connect, still have my hands empty.

In you I found something that attracted me towards you. I just fell for you. In you I could see what I longed for, a real, true, beautiful soul. You too needed love. Your eyes seemed to me like a person finding for some peace, some love and the want for being loved. I wanted to give you all that you longed for.

We had experienced some of the same things in life, and I instantly admired your attitude and perspective.

Sometimes when with you I feel a sense of inner conflict. One the one hand, I wanted to live up to everything I imagined you expected of me.

But I also want to be free, to just be me, in whatever state, without worrying about how I’m perceived. I have always tried to learn how to show up in front of others as they liked. But with you I left that learning and without any fear - whether or not you will accept me as I am. Talking to you, being with you I found myself more and more comfortable, and relieved that after so much time, I had finally been able to relax myself in your company. I had dared to speak to myself what I wanted without being scared.

We talked about everything – family, jobs, life, people, almost everything. And I realised I too can still be loved, though not sure.

I had always wanted to connect to someone, but every time the fear or something or the other had some in between. Sometimes my thoughts, behaviour, likes, dislikes, attitude, humour,….so many of them made it to terminate before it even began.

I am scared with you too. What if you are not serious? What if I mean nothing to you? What if I am a burden on you? Hundreds of them……. the fear of people judging me and don’t know why I felt that these judgments may be true, am I fit for you, will I be able to live up to your expectations, will I be able to make you happy, will I be happy with you?

Then I dissected my feelings and accepted me to be weak, very weak when it came to emotions, relationships, rejections.

I wanted you to give me your time and attention. I wanted you to listen to my talk about my day, what my kids did, the good parts, the bad parts. Just by listening, you built trust and intimacy and love. I knew the limitations, I know it all, but still plunged into this relationship, not sure whether you felt the same for me or not. Just wanted to live the moments of being in love.

At first, I reminded myself that I was not the same person I used to be before. I had come a long way and I should be proud of it.

But then I stopped myself and questioned my well-intentioned internal monologue. Was this really what I needed to hear—that I was so much better today than what I used to be?

Maybe what I really needed to hear was, “You are the same person—because the person you were before was beautiful and worthy of love, just as you are now. She was just at a different part of the journey.”

Fate controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

I may have made poor choices before and I may have struggled more than I do now, but I was doing the best I could, based on where I was at that time. This was no reason to be ashamed of where I’d been.

My loneliest moments over the past few years have been at home. Though it is a blessing to sit with my children, but there is a deep ache inside. There are few things I cannot talk to or share with my children. I sit down with an empty space across me and on either side of me, joy—bouncing legs, noisy talks, smiles, energetic darlings yearning to tell me about their days and I listen, but there is something missing…..missing badly.

Someone who’s there to listen, contribute to the conversation, and ask the questions I forget to ask, who asks me, “How was your day?” or just touches, holds my hand, listens what I have to say, comforts me, laughs and makes me laugh too.

As a mother, I feel forgotten, a lot. I listen and listen, but who is there to listen to me? Who is there to know how I feel within? Who is there to ask what the matter is? I know the needs of every child just by looking into their eyes. Who is there to know and understand what I need? No one.

It is a simple action—to be silent and give attention to the object of your affection. It  means more than any words could ever express. Where is that silence? Where is that attention?

After the day is over and I tended to everyone else’s needs, I too want to express my sensual side and be passionate.  It is important for me to feed my needs, even if they are primal.

I am different to you. But I wish I were not. I pray so often to be transformed in to the woman I know you wish I were. Till I manage to hold that mask which is loved by all, I am loved. And now I am tired. I have fought and battled and struggled with myself to be only the parts of me you love. But the ugly parts live on. The needy parts, the lonely parts, the jealous parts and the part that wants to interact with your sexual side as much as your intellectual side. They live and breathe and cause you pain. I can feel the pain you have to bear because of me.

Can you understand that I am not asking you to change? I accept you just as you are and long for the day when I can change to meet you there. The day that I can be the woman I can see you need. Perhaps that day will come.

What a beautiful story we could be. Me standing faithfully by your side, dedicated to you and wanting nothing but your company. Patiently waiting for you to find your way, knowing you would find your way back to me.

But I am a weaker woman than I appear. I cannot lie about my want for you, my need for you and my selfish and total dependence on you.

Please rejoice in the fact that I saw you and I felt you and that I agree with you.

Your way is better. It is more beautiful, more pure and perfectly lovely.

This isn’t goodbye. This is surrender. God knows I’ve tried to change but I am no longer willing to be the blockade to your happiness.

You are so beautiful and so wonderful and everything I ever dreamed of. Be that still and always. And perhaps we will make love in our dreams.

I love you. And that is why I must let you go. Enjoy your life. Be happy. I cannot chain you.

I will always love you.