My children are now grown up adults capable enough to manage themselves.
I have begun to realize there is more to life than the chores I have been endlessly doing since early 20s. I have spent my whole life trying to give myself to something outside of myself. I have spent so much time and energy on others, trying to prove my existence, that I forgot about myself along the way.
Time for myself was not even on my radar at any point. I had to accomplish so much and I have.
So I gave. I gave more than I realized.
And I began to realize I have been giving to everyone but myself.
It is around this time that I started looking inward. I started to wonder what my passions were and what interests I had. Sure I probably took some time for things I enjoyed over the last few years—but more to escape the craziness of households than real passions that made my heart sing.
Who am I? What drives me? What makes my heart smile?—All questions have become important in my mind. I start to venture into these conversations with friends.
What I see inside myself sometimes scares me. This strong desire to become more conscious about what drives me is bigger now than I have ever allowed it to be. I also get mad at myself for allowing my passion to just sit for all these years. I also get scared at just how strong that desire is. And sometimes I have no clue at all as what my passions were, are.
This is awakening.
People on the outside looking at me might call this a midlife crisis rather than an awakening. I myself might refer to this as a crisis and not an awakening.
A crisis is defined as an unstable or even a dangerous situation where I feel unsteady in a world that I know so well, a world where I had all the rules and schedules figured out. Then, it seems, all that changes overnight. I am awakening to these strange sensations I am experiencing. I am starting to recognize or become aware of something stirring in me. Something deep and real inside of me.
When I was going through my separation, I was told I was just having a midlife crisis. It will be fine, I was told. And they were right, because I felt anything but like I was in crisis mode. I felt alive and free for the first time in I don’t know how many years! I felt like I was waking up from some deep slumber I didn’t know I had been in. I could feel my desires and passion stretching like they had been sleeping for centuries. Reaching up and out. Flexing their muscles. Screaming at me to be heard.
This all happened around that age. So maybe that age was the new 20. Maybe it was the time in my life that I should realize that I am an important part of society—not to leave my marks, but to discover what gifts I have to offer.
I found softer ways to let society know I have something to offer:
Myself.
I may look selfish to the younger generation and my kids because I am finally taking time for me. I am no longer feeling the need to manage schedules. I am doing everything for enjoyment and not escape. I am waking to all the possibilities of what I have and who I am.
I am ready to start and live my new 20s…hic..hic..
